The Penguins manhandled the defense-and-goalie challenged Flyers last night, 6-1, and while I’m not ready to completely spell doom for the Laviolette-era Flyers, it’s clear that the team is in need of a major trade both to shake things up in the short-term and maximize their asset management in the long term. I’ve long argued that a team’s defense has more to do with coaching, a system, and flat-out effort than actual personnel, but nevertheless, the Flyers just don’t appear to have the bodies on D or a goaltender capable of carrying them on a deep playoff run.

Simply put, even after the Pronger trade, the Flyers have a glut of forwards, but lack a true starting goaltender and defensive depth behind the aging Pronger and the offensive-minded Kimmo Timonen. And, with the Flyers right up against the cap, they’d have to shed salary the other direction in any deals they make, which severely limits their options.

Let’s go down the list:

– Danny Briere and his remaining 5 years at a $6.35 mil cap hit is essentially unmovable, unless Bob Gainey really wants a fourth tiny, absurdly-paid forward to compliment the rest of his Canadiens roster.

– Simon Gagne is notoriously injured and due $5+ million more next season before becoming a free agent. Not sure who’d give up anything of value for him, unless Bob Gainey et cetera et cetera.

– Trading Pronger or Timmonen moves salary, but doesn’t solve the D problem, and there’s no way Paul Holmgren’s giving up on Pronger this soon after making a big deal about getting him. Holmgren’s eventual replacement, on the other hand…

– Scott Hartnell’s locked in at a reasonable $4 mil cap hit for three more seasons, and probably provides more value to the Flyers than he would to another team via a trade. Plus there’s no guarantee Carcillo, Cote, Pronger, and Laperriere could carry the “Being an A-Hole” load this franchise so desperately requires.

– Mike Richards is, obviously, unmovable. He’ll be leading the Flyers with his leadership til the year 2020 (aka, the Year of the Leader in the Chinese calendar).

– Trading Claude Giroux or James Van Riemsdyk would provide the max possible return for Philly, but they’re also the two highest-upside players on the team and still make in the $1 mil rookie-contract range, so they’re untouchable.

That leaves one and only one possible option for the Flyers: Trading Jeff Carter.

Carter’s got one more year at $5.5 million left on his deal before he becomes a restricted free agent at the end of the 2010-2011 season, and will assuredly command a long-term deal in the neighborhood of at least $6 million (or possibly a $4.5-$5 mil cap hit, if a team signs him to one of those shady-ass 45-year contracts).

He only turns only 25 in January, he’s coming off a 46-goal season, he’ll only be a restricted free agent in 2011 so his new team will retain control of him, and he’s got the size and relative health to ease concerns about any potential for an immediate drop-off in production. Plus, with the Flyers’ struggles and his own scapegoatedness after scoring one goal in last year’s playoffs, while he’s not quite Dany Heatley escaping Atlanta after his horrific car accident, he still might benefit from a change of scenery.

On the Flyers’ end, dealing Carter wouldn’t even necessarily qualify as “giving up on him too early” or “unfairly running him out of town,” it would just be an example of dealing from the team’s area of strength and balancing resources in a league increasingly obsessed with cap flexibility. Carter might be the fourth or fifth most valuable Flyers’ forward by the end of the year; on a team like Nashville, Minnesota, or even Toronto, he becomes the star.

So who to receive in return?

Last year, I proposed a possible Philly/Anaheim deal that would send Jean-Sebastien Giguere to Philly, and with Anaheim struggling and the far-cheaper Jonas Hiller playing comparably to Giguere (he’s actually started 6 more games than J.S. this year), the Ducks would almost certainly be willing to move the ex-Conn Smythe winner. Giguere is an unrestricted free agent after the 2010-11 season, though, and if the Flyers were to make this deal, they wouldn’t be able to negotiate an extension with Giguere until the upcoming offseason at the earliest, so they’d essentially be rolling the dice and trading control of Carter for one (expensive) year of Giguere, which also wouldn’t help their immediate cap situation.

Still, Giguere’s a proven playoff backstop who’s only 32, and with franchise goaltenders so rarely on the trade market — when Cristobal Huet signs for $5 million a year, it’s easy to see why — it wouldn’t necessarily be a bad risk for the Flyers to take if they’re serious about solving their goaltending problems, and they already made a huge trade for Pronger in the last year of his deal and ended up signing him long-term successfully, so there’s precedent for such a move. Carter for Giguere straight-up would be insane, but how about Carter for Giguere, one of the Flyers’ first-round picks in the Pronger deal back, and a throw-in depth forward (George Parros?)

The Ducks would clear Giguere’s salary and take on Carter’s, which is a short-term wash, and a long-term deal for Carter would be softened financially by the almost-assured departures of Scott Niedermayer and Teemu Selanne next season, though with Jonas Hiller and Bobby Ryan up for raises in the next couple years, a Carter deal might end up being unfeasible. Plus, how many giant right-handed dudes does one team need? I guess for this scenario to make sense, it’d have to just come down to a pair of desperate GMs being desperate, which isn’t out of the realm of possibility, but also isn’t likely.

So basically, I can’t really predict who Carter would get traded for. Nashville in a deal involving Ryan Suter? Unlikely. Minnesota for prospects? They’ll have cap space next year when Kim Johnsson’s deal is up. Toronto for a prospect and UFA-to-be Vesa Toskala or an expensive defenseman? Can’t imagine the Leafs would be willing to part with more young talent after ditching two first-round picks to get Phil Kessel, but they’re desperate too.

But mark my words: Jeff Carter is gonna get traded. Not sure when, or to whom, or for whom, or where or how, but it is gonna happen. Probably.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how you make a bold prediction.

Most oddsmakers currently have the Steelers as 1 point favorites at home against the Packers this weekend. Some marginally smarter ones have the game as a pick, but even that seems strangely optimistic.

Let me see if I get this Vegas formula straight:

Nonstop Parade Of Sucking That Sucks So Bad It Doesn’t Even Parade Correctly, Marching Out Of Line And Spinning Out Of Control And The Floats Catch Fire And Fly Into A Lake, Killing Thousands Of Babies < Playing At Home

I understand the argument that people might be less willing to accept the Steelers’ sudden suckitude because they’re still the defending champs and they have the name and etc. etc., but they have nothing left to play for, and the Packers have won 5 in a row and have everything to play for, and are healthy and better than the G-D Browns / Chiefs / Raiders / Winless ‘76 Buccaneers Who Would Still Definitely Beat The Steelers If They Got Back Together Now Even Taking Into Account Their Ages.

Even this frickin’ guy isn’t betting the Steelers minus one.

UPDATE: The Line has moved to Steelers -2, meaning that a lot of people actually were betting the Steelers minus one. I know the long-standing argument that “Steeler fans will bet the Steelers no matter what”, but if it’s just fans being fans, then 1) Then how come the Bears’ and Redskins’ and New York teams’ and Eagles’ spreads also way out of whack week to week? And 2) Aren’t Steeler fans even more aware than non-fans of just how crappy their team is playing? Either that or there’s some serious secret mob forces at play here, and Aaron Rodgers has a hairline fracture that only Syl from The Sopranos is aware of.

The Pirates have decided to non-tender closer Matt Capps, avoiding a likely $3+ million arbitration award for Capps and officially making him a free agent.

P-G Pirates beat writer Dejan Kovacevic said of the Capps release, “This is easily the most surprised I have been by any move from the Pirates’ current management team,” and for good reason; the Pirates now have only two remotely proven relievers on their roster, Capps had been their closer for three years, he’s only 26, and his brutal 2009 was his first bad season after three straight productive ones.

Neal Huntington offered this explanation:

But the reality is, we’ve now got some money to apply to the bullpen to fill Matt’s spot and elsewhere…If you’re talking about the Matt Capps of ‘07 or ‘08, that would be very, very difficult to replace. He’s probably not somebody we non-tender. The second half of ‘08 and into ‘09 … it’s not that hard to replace a reliever with a 5.00 or 6.00 ERA. We’ll miss Matt, and we wish him well. The only reason we had interest in him is that we felt he’s due to have a bounce-back year.

Huntington’s argument isn’t without merit; Capps was absolutely brutal last season, and a closer in title only, posting a 5.80 ERA and allowing 73 hits in 54.1 innings. His walk total jumped from 5 in 2008 to 17 in ‘09, his home run total doubled from 5 to 10 in that span, and he posted a 2009 VORP of -3.6, meaning, essentially, he performed worse than any readily-available minor league free agent would have in those innings.

That said, I’m not in favor of this move.

Unless the Pirates have noticed something very specific with Capps that makes them believe he’s physically unable to return to ‘06-’08 form, I really don’t understand why the team wouldn’t pay him the $3-$3.4 million he’d get through arbitration in the hopes that he can pitch effectively, rack up some saves, and restore his trade value by August. Teams always need relief pitching — the Marlins were reportedly interested in Capps last season, so I imagine he’d have some suitors if he actually pitched like not the most useless dude ever — and a one-year $3+ million commitment seems exceedingly reasonable for a closer who might net prospects in a market increasingly desperate for relief pitching.

I don’t disagree with Huntington’s assessment of Capps, or his philosophy of not overpaying relievers when their performances tend to fluctuate wildly year to year, but at some point, there has to be some inherent value in actually having some guys on the team, even if there’s a risk they’ll technically underperform value-wise to their contract. This isn’t like locking up Jack Wilson long-term; if Capps pitches averagely, then you’ve overpaid for a run-of-the-mill reliever, and if he posts another 2009, then you eat his $3 million but escape it at season’s end. If he does, in fact, pitch like an effective closer again, as he’s demonstrated with ample precedent in the recent past, or even just pitches averagely but pads his numbers with those wonderful Saves that every team loves to see, then you’ve got a highly tradable commodity. Or, you know, a closer.

Bottom line, while I understand Huntington’s rationale and I’m not willing to chalk it up as a 100% salary dump — paying anything for a 5.80 ERA pitcher, let alone $3.4 million, isn’t gonna win you the Smartness Award for Most Outstanding Smartness — but if the Pirates are all into taking calculated risks aimed at long-term upside, wouldn’t giving a proven 26-year-old pitcher another year to regain his value qualify as a reasonable chance to take?

I’ll wait til the Pirates’ offseason is complete to fully pass judgment, but overall, I don’t like this move. Not that it’s gonna stop me from still calling Capps “Fat Crapps” when he blows a save, because it makes me laugh. Hehehehe……. Fat Crapps. He’d make a great substitute teacher.

There’s nothing quite like that final nail being driven into another nail as a precautionary extra-nail to make sure that even if the first nail in the coffin for the Steelers’ season somehow rusts and falls off, there’ll be another nail to ensure that the coffin will definitely remain shut, even though it’s six feet underground and has no way of opening back up anyway and also it can’t score a touchdown against the league’s worst-ranked defense and takes eight sacks and couldn’t look less like it cares about anything.

That metaphor became muddled a bit in the middle, but the basic thesis statement was the same as it’s been the past four weeks, that being “Wow is this team pathetic”. The Browns game was, in the words of one Myron Cope, “A dee-bacle! [And a complete waste of our mother-effing time!]“. I’m assuming he would’ve said the second part.

The Steelers scored six points against the Cleveland Browns. SIX. It’s the NFL equivalent of Bob Uecker’s “One goddamn hit?” Major League quote. SIX points is beyond worthless, unless you draw three little lines on the I and turn it into “SEX POINTS” and it’s a woman saying it and it turns out that I’m actually watching a football-themed porno and not a season-defining Steelers/Browns game, but that unfortunately was not the case here, as much as I attempted to take giant huffs of glue to make myself hallucinate into believing this every time Roethlisberger got sacked on third down.

The Steelers defense only gave up 13 points, but still, is this team capable of stopping an opponent on third and ANYTHING? If the other team was up against a 3rd and ????, like the question marks that people put on party invitations when they don’t know when it’s gonna end cause it might go on forever, some running back would take a two-yard pass, then every Steeler would literally have their hands wrapped through the dude’s bone and sinew and around his heart and still somehow not tackle him until he got far enough up the field for the refs to all agree “I don’t know what question mark stands for, but they definitely got it.”

It’s probably too late in the season to get back to the basics, but let’s take a quick moment to go over some very simple vocabulary for two-time Super Bowl winning quarterback Ben Roethlisberger:

sack
Pronunciation: \ˈsak\
Function: noun
1 : a usually rectangular-shaped bag (as of paper, burlap, or canvas)
2 : the amount contained in a sack; especially : a fixed amount of a commodity used as a unit of measure
3: a thing you should not take on first down at the opponents’ 35 when you’re down by 7 points with 2 minutes in the fourth quarter of an absolute must-win game.



blitz
Pronunciation: \ˈblits\
Function: noun
1 a : blitzkrieg 1 b (1) : an intensive aerial military campaign (2) : air raid
2: you don’t even need me to write a jokey football definition for this one, because if that first definition is happening to you, you need to throw the ball in less time than it takes for you to hum the “Light My Fire” organ solo to yourself.



giving a shit
Pronunciation: giving\uh\shit
Function: shitgive
1: a thing you should do or at least look like you do, ever.



That last one was more a lesson for all the Steelers, not just Roethlisberger. Holmes and Woodley, you’re the closest to being off the hook, but your performances would’ve been less noticeable if you weren’t playing the majority of the game surrounded by piles of crap painted and shaped to look like Steeler football players by some pointlessly controversial pop artist.

It’s time to start the blame game (well, resume the ongoing blame game that all fans have for their teams, only now we won’t laugh it off knowing the Steelers will probably be fine, because they actually suck). Aside from special teams coach Firedo McFiredson, I imagine Bruce Arians will get most of the heat this offseason, which is justifiable; his constant inability to adapt to other teams’ blitzes, or to be in any way innovative from week to week, or to manage the clock with fourth quarter leads (in 5 of the Steelers’ 7 losses), are all too constant and glaring to overlook, and we’re far enough removed from last season for Arians criticisms to be immediately parried away with “well he must suck if they won the Super Bowl!!!” A Super Bowl doesn’t instantly absolve every element of the winning team of criticism. No one is perfect except The Lord, and even he suffered from predictable playcalling on third and shorts.

Let’s not overlook the potential Dick LeBeau fallout either; the dude’s clearly earned enough respect to keep doing whatever he wants to do for however long he chooses to do it, and even the slightest insinuation that the game has passed him by or that he’s somehow losing his edge would be ludicrous, but that said, how can a team with the Steelers’ compliment of linebackers spend essentially an entire season failing to pressure the opposing quarterback in any meaningful situation or with any remote consistency? The constant failure to get pressure is especially demoralizing when on the flipside, no matter what defense the Steelers are playing against, their own quarterback goes down the millisecond the sideline down-marker holder flips the thing to “3″.

Needless to say, Steeler Nation is gonna have more than a few things to complain about this offseason, but this time, they’ll be unshackled by last year’s argument-ending rebuttals of “…but they won the Super Bowl, so Problem X couldn’t have been so bad.” This year, Problem X was that bad. And the X, for the record, stands for “Xjust about everything.”

More Browns game things to complain about:

– Giving up a sack to Hank Poteat isn’t quite getting knocked out of the playoffs on an OT goal by Gary Valk, but it’s part of the same phylum.

– I’ve noticed myself saying “Wow, Heath Miller dropped an easy pass, you don’t see that too often” very very often.

– Can we preemptively throw away the term “Super Bowl Hangover” to describe the Steelers’ season? They started frickin’ 6-2. It’s not a “hangover,” it’s a “playing well then suddenly playing really horribly in every single game then giving up-over.”

– Only a 55-yard kick return by Josh Cribbs this time? Steeler special teams for Comeback Player Of The Year! Yes, all of them.

– Through all the Steelers’ uncharacteristic but maddening apathy all game, did anyone appear to be giving less of a shit than Hines Ward? Has this ever happened in a game, ever? I know the guy was hurt, but his performance was sub-nonfactor, with the demeanor to boot. If you’re looking for a symbolic image with which to sum up this Steeler collapse, I’d think Smiley O’Hardplay’s lifeless performance would suffice.

The most crushing part of this Browns game, though, was that it clearly pushed my Steelers-season mindset from anger to complete and utter apathy. After the Oakland loss last week, I consciously professed apathy to myself and my friends, but that’s a contradiction; as much as I kept saying I didn’t even care about the Steelers’ season any more because it was “over”, I still had enough interest (/hope) to gather with a bunch of friends Thursday night, order some pizza, and act like not the worst thing in the world might happen this week.

Now that I’ve entered true Steeler-season apathy, I’m past the need to constantly declare it. I no longer need to trick myself into believing that my expectations have been lowered as if to pre-diffuse my eventual, inevitable disappointment. In a way, it’s liberating; I don’t have to spend any more Sundays this winter being angry until 4:30 then calling my brother to talk about being angry for the next two hours, then realizing I’ve spent the entire day indoors being angry, thus making myself angry.

No — next Sunday, I’ll be reading a book, going for a walk, planting a tree, and helping orphaned children. All simultaneously, actually, and in my living room right next to my demonstratively turned-off television.

The Penguins completely dominated Montreal last night, outshooting them by a brutal 41-21 margin, and this was on the road; with the Mellon Arena statkeepers, the final shots would’ve been tallied as A Googleplex Times Infinity Plus One – 0 (even Montreal’s goals wouldn’t have counted as shots).

Despite their dominance, the Pens still received an astonishingly lucky break when an insane inadvertant whistle in the final minutes of the third period waived off what should’ve been a third Montreal goal to tie the game. Replays showed that Fleury not only didn’t freeze the puck, but the puck barely even slowed down or was out of sight for any length of time, and Fleury even loudly and articulately yelled “OH NO I HAVE NOT FROZEN THE PUCK AND NOW IT IS LOOSE!” and the ref was standing three millimeters from the puck next to a neon sign that said “Puck: Three Millimeters That Way” with one of those strings of neon arrows that lights up in succession to a rhythm.

Needless to say, the Montreal fans — who boo everything that happens anyway, including the zambonis, the “Timeouts Remaining” space on the scoreboard, and gravity — booed the crap out of the call, justifiably. One fan even threw a shoe onto the ice, mistaking the ice for George W. Bush and now for a year ago.

Regardless, the Pens would have in all likelihood won this game anyway either in the final five minutes or overtime, given how badly they dominated that third period (15-6 shot advantage), but Montreal probably would’ve salvaged a point. But they didn’t. They also should have just signed Marian Gaborik instead of trading for Scott Gomez, which I will continue to mention in every post about this stupid team that helped the stupid Rangers by taking on their stupid contract of stupid money. Montreal also received a DVD of The Stupids in that trade.

…And who scored the winning goal tonight? PASCAL DUPUIS SCORED BY DOING ‘THE DUPUIS’!!!!!!!!! Once a game, Dupuis cranks a slap shot from the left wing just inside the blue line, and once every three months, it acutally goes in, thus justifying the subsequent three months of him trying it continuously until it happens again. A third-period game-winner will justify The Dupuis for at least the next millennium; it’ll be passed down to generation after generation of aspiring long-slapshot takers in the Dupuis clan.

Indeed, Thursday December 10, 2008 was a terrific night for all Pittsburgh sports fans.

The Pirates today selected Marlins AAA outfielder John Raynor with the second overall pick in the Rule 5 Draft.

What will a 25-year-old right-handed minor league outfielder bring to the Pirates’ current major league squad?

He’ll bring his speed? Awesome. Should make things in the clubhouse a lot more interesting next year.

I’d start with John Russell.

The homepage of Steelers.com right now:

Uh oh.

“Ready to step up” and do what, exactly? Get wide open once, have a ball thrown so directly to him that it literally sticks into his ribcage but he intentionally pulls it out of himself and drops it fast enough for it to not be counted a catch, and for Roethlisberger and Tomlin to again be reminded “Ohhhh yeaahhhh, that’s why we never do that…”

It’s not a done deal, but the Pirates are reportedly close to signing former A’s infielder Bobby Crosby to a one-year deal.

Crosby hit 22 home runs as a shortstop in 2004, and has since hit 9, 9, 8, 7, and 6 in the subsequent seasons, posting a murderous .239 / .302 / .366 while missing significant time to injury (he’s only played 100 games once in the past five seasons).

If there’s any upside to the deal, I’m assuming the cost will be minimal (Dejan Kovacevic currently estimates one year at about $1.5 million), and Crosby was a once bright talent and a plus defender at short, so he’s capable of challenging Ronny Cedeno for full-time making outs in front of the pitchers’ spot duty.

At the very least, Crosby doesn’t block any of the Pirates’ pressing prospects, and he gives them some flexibility in the infield with a better bat than Luis Cruz, but his injury problems and consistently painful offensive numbers — even for a shortstop in a decent pitchers’ park like Oakland — make this deal very, very difficult to get even the least bit excited about.

As an added bonus, fans will now be able to wear jerseys to PNC that technically bear the name of a current Pirates player.

UPDATE: It’s a done deal, pending a physical. Meaning, a Pirates team doctor will come within 50 feet of Crosby, shriek loudly, and run away, and the Pirates will be like, “Um…I guess that means we sign him?”

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If we know one thing about Capitals coach Bruce Boudreau, it’s that the man will absolutely not tolerate dirty plays in the NHL. Boudreau was pissed about Daniel Carcillo punching Matt Bradley in the Caps/Flyers game this past Saturday, delivering this strongly-worded quote:

“[Bradley] might have been ready, but as he was dropping his gloves, Carcillo was already cold cocked and ready to throw them. He knew as soon as Bradley was ready to accept his challenge, the punch was there and [Bradley]’s gloves and hands were still down [at his waist].

“No matter how you cut it — and it’s not like this guy is in his first year and first chance doing it — whether it is in this league or in the American League where I saw him for two years, he was just as big an idiot there. It is just a dirty play.”

“That’s two in two nights and we’re trying to get that crap out of the game…”

Here here! Bruce Boudreau, you are a man of principles! You would never defend a player for multiple dirty, injury-threatening, game misconduct-worthy incidents within a short timespan!

Just for the hell of it, let’s take a look at what Boudreau had to say after the NHL suspended Alex Ovechkin two games for his knee-to-knee hit on Carolina’s Tim Gleason last week:

“I don’t want him to change the way he plays at all, either,” Boudreau said. “When I said reckless, I was using the term in fear of him getting hurt, not him hurting anybody else. He’s got to be him, so I don’t want him to change. That’s what makes him one of three things: one of the best players in the world, one of the best personalities in sport, and it’s the reason you pay to watch.”

Asked if he agreed with the suspension, the coach said: “Maybe I would have made a different decision.”

“He made a play that I thought you could compare it to an awful lot of plays that have happened so far this year,” Boudreau said. “Like (general manager George McPhee) told me, it was a good hockey play that went wrong.”

To Summarize Bruce Boudreau’s positions:

A) Daniel Carcillo punching Matt Bradley before he was ready to fight was a dirty, dangerous play. Carcillo has been in the league for years and this isn’t the first time Carcillo has done something like this, so he should be disciplined likewise. This crap doesn’t belong in the game.

B) Alex Ovechkin’s knee-to-knee hit on Tim Gleason was because Ovechkin is one of the best players in the world, and it’s fortunate that Ovechkin didn’t get hurt on the play. It was a “good hockey play gone wrong” — meaning, skating towards Gleason was a good hockey play but sticking a knee out and dangerously hitting him with it was the ‘went wrong’ part — but even though Ovechkin has been in the league for years, got a game misconduct for another dirty hit just two games prior, and injured Sergei Gonchar on an almost identical knee-to-knee hit in last year’s Eastern Conference semifinals, Boudreau would have “made a different decision” than to suspend Ovechkin for two games. Ovechkin should not change the way he plays.

Can anyone find anything contradictory in these two quotes? Try holding a magnifying glass up to your computer screen and squinting really hard through it, if that helps.