Steelers 27, Bengals 21: That Was A Really Close Blowout

Dan At 10:40 pm: Hey Dan.

Dan At 10:10 pm: AHHH! Who are you?

Dan At 10:40 pm: I’m you, thirty minutes in the future. I traveled back in time after the Steelers game ended.

Dan At 10:10 pm: Wha…Why? How?? Also, what would happen if we like made out–

Dan At 10:40 pm: SILENCE! I have come to tell you news from the future.

Dan At 10:10 pm: Why are you speaking like a God? You’re still me.

Dan At 10:40 pm: I am here to tell you that the Steelers will barely escape this game with a 6-point victory after a Bengal drops a fourth down pass that could’ve put them inside the Steelers’ 5 with a chance to win the game in the final minute, and you will be extremely relieved when this happens.

Dan At 10:10 pm: What?? This game??? Hahaha, silly Me, I’ve been watching this game for three quarters and one minute, and the Steelers are completely dominating on offense, defense, and special teams and they’re leading by 20 points against a broken-down quarterback and an offense that’s sputtered all night.

NEWS IN BR…F: Wednesday, July 28th 2010

• Strasburg Shows Flashes Of Hall-Of-Fame Shoulder Inflammation






• Bryant: “I’m Not Here To Carry Pads, I’m Here To Field Questions About Carrying Pads For The Next Seven Weeks”






• Devils Propose Efficient, Hard-To-Watch Defense Of Kovalchuk Contract






• Bengals Sign Owens To Distract From Distractions






• Rangers Successfully Convince Frolov The Colby Amstrong Deal Never Happened

Cedric Benson Arrested Again; Dan Rooney Heard Yelling “Hey Look Over There!”

ESPN:

AUSTIN, Texas — Cedric Benson is in trouble with the law again.

An Austin police spokeswoman says the Cincinnati Bengals running back was arrested on Tuesday and booked into the Travis County jail where he posted bail and was released. An arrest affidavit says he punched an employee of an Austin, Texas, bar on May 30 after being kicked out for getting into an altercation with another patron.

What a criminal! Everyone’s looking at this and not at the Steelers, right? Let’s all pay attention to these criminal Bengals and how criminally criminal they are! Buncha criminals!

Come to think of it, I’m having trouble remembering what happened to the Steelers this past offseason… I know they re-signed Antwaan Randle-El, I remember Limas Sweed got injured…

OHHH! Now I remember the big thing! They hired Sean Kugler as their new offensive line coach. Crazy offseason, huh? Nice to know the Bengals are still the lone controversial crime-related team in the division. Yessiree, sure are criminals over there. Can’t believe they root for such criminals. Cough.

Bengals Sign Retread With Disciplinary Problems For First Time Ever

The Bengals are reportedly close to signing Larry Johnson as an “insurance policy” at running back:

Jay Glazer of FOX reports that the Bengals have decided to sign Johnson, and that the Bengals are attempting to work out a deal with the seven-year veteran.

For now, the potential move is being sold by coach Marvin Lewis as an insurance policy only, presumably to give the team a graceful (or, as the case may be, less ungraceful) way to introduce Johnson into the locker room without disrupting the existing chemistry.

“Curses! You’ve won this round, Bengals, but this isn’t over… Get me Rae Carruth’s agent!” – Jerry Jones

Bengals 18, Steelers 12: How Bout That Pens / Bruins Game?

As if this game wasn’t frustrating enough, we can now brace ourselves for an aftermath of writers and commentators saying that Cincinnati’s record and their double-sweep of the Steelers and Ravens proves unequivocally that the Bengals are, in fact, the best team in the AFC North. Sure, their defense has played a lot better the last two weeks than I ever gave them credit for, and maybe it’s just my day-after bitterness talking, but does anyone honestly think that the Steelers wouldn’t beat this team in a head-to-head playoff game, even on the road? Provided Polamalu’s leg hasn’t been amputated by then, of course.

That being said, the Steelers simply did nothing to deserve this game. The defense played well but didn’t create any turnovers, and the offense, while not completely horrible, also didn’t make any big plays, couldn’t convert third downs, couldn’t do anything in the red zone, and just generally earned that stupid-looking “12″ on the scoreboard at game’s end.

Before I go into details of the Steelers’ ineptitude and make us all angry again, let’s rewatch Bill Guerin’s game-tying goal against Boston:

Woooooo!!!!! LET’S GO PENS!!! LET’S GO PENS!!!

What was I talking about? I forget. Probably not anything terrible that ruined my Sunday, I imagine. Yayyy hockeyyyyyy!!!

Guh…alright…some random Bengals thoughts after the jump:

You Will Not Believe What Mike Tomlin Said About This Bengals Game

The 6-2 AFC North-leading Cincinnati Bengals come to Heinz Field to play the 6-2 Steelers this Sunday in a showdown with first place in the division hanging in the balance.

Knowing Mike Tomlin, I assume his comments to the press about this game were somewhere along the lines of, “I’m not really worried about Cincinnati, we almost beat ‘em last time so we’ll probably beat them at home, plus we’re seven point favorites, so I think we got this one in the bag and it’s time to start thinking about our first Playoff game.”

Wait, that’s NOT what he said??

He called the game “BIG”?????????????????????

No. Effing. Way.

You’re telling me that the Steelers’ coach, who’s famous for very publicly building up even the weakest Steeler opponents to ensure that the team never overlooks a game, is calling the very obviously critical Sunday game against the Bengals “big”? You have got my attention, Post-Gazette headline.

Hopefully tomorrow’s headline will mention whether or not Tomlin respects the Bengals’ offense. I am guessing that he will say that he does not respect them, but I have been proven wrong before.

Bengals 23, Steelers 20: I Need A Vacation

There’s nothing quite so uniquely demoralizing as going to a bar with friends to watch a game, eating a bunch of food, drinking beers, and then losing that game to a mediocre team in the final seconds despite a dominant first half and an eleven-point lead in the fourth quarter (and roughly 57,829 missed chances). It’s like going to a three-hour movie and only realizing in the last fifteen seconds that the movie is terrible and you’ve wasted your afternoon.

You also begin to regret the beers and the fish n’ chips platter and the fried pickles, as they’ve retroactively transformed from celebratory group-engorging to just a bunch of fatty, heavy crap you piled into your stomach while your team lost stupidly. Then you get home, it’s 7:30, and you realize you’ve spent your Sunday devoted to something that merely pissed you off.

Why is this acceptable in sports and in no other walks of life? I’d never devote three hours to watching a CSI: Miami DVD then walk away going “Dammit, why did that have to happen? There goes my whole day. I’m gonna be angry through to Wednesday now.”

Fortunately, this Thursday, I’m going to Europe for two weeks. Not because of this game. Well, partly because of this game. But only like 30% because of this game. Needless to say, my initial reservation about the timing of my trip — “Damn, I’m gonna miss two Steeler games, two Penn State games, some MLB playoffs and the start of hockey season” — has transformed into “Yay, I don’t have to watch this crap for two weeks!”

I’m not sure the game requires much analysis, so here are some whiny complaints:

Steelers’ September 27th Game Changed From 1:00 To 4:15 — Adjust Your Lives Accordingly

Dammit, NFL, if you want to go changing Steeler game times, could you at least give us some advanced warning? I already sent out my Evite for my annual September 27th Bengals Game Brunch and told everyone specifically to show up at 1:00. Now I’m gonna have to message everyone about the time change, and go back to Kinko’s to reprint my giant “It’s 1:00 And Let’s Beat Those Bungles” banner, and completely scrap my Bengals-themed brunch menu that I spent soooo much time preparing. I was gonna serve Cedric Bacon and  Shayne Gra-ham and Laveranues Cole-d Oatmeal and Da-Honey Nut Cheerios Jones and Chad Ocho Cinco Eggs, but now that’s over with, cause the game’s at 4 and no one wants to eat brunch at 4 because it’s tacky. You hear that, NFL?? Four o’clock brunch is TACKY — did that ever even cross your mind when you personally changed this game time, Roger Goodell??? I quit football.

Also, the Steelers are set to release Larry Foote. We’ve all seen this coming since the Timmons/Woodley draft, but he was a solid player and an absolute quote machine, and he’ll be missed — hopefully someone can pick up the slack on firing up the team during the pregame huddle. Jeff Reed?