Stars 5, Penguins 2: Pens Play Flawlessly. End Of Story.

When Brent Johnson let in a wrister from 40 feet then Brad Richards threw in a second goal after parking himself in the right circle uncovered for an hour and a half both within the first eight minutes of the First Period, I’m pretty sure we all had the same thought running through our heads: This is going to turn out to be the most perfect game the Penguins have ever played. And you know something? We were right.

The Penguins were completely flawless against Dallas in every conceivable way, and were extremely entertaining to watch in the process. The defense? Perfect. Johnson? Perfect. Michalek in his return from injury? Perfect and perfectly healthy. The power play? Is there a word more perfect than “perfect”? Like, “doubleplusperfect”? Because that’s how good the power play was.

Sure, the scoreboard at the end of the day said Dallas 5, Pittsburgh 2, and the only life the Pens showed was a string of random fights in the middle of the second including Sidney Crosby getting into the action, Kris Letang dropping his gloves, remembering his hand is injured, and pathetically clinging to Brenden Morrow, and Mike Comrie making himself useful and sticking up for his teammates by punching the puck. Shockingly, none of these actions sparked a four-goal comeback.

Hopefully the Pens can continue this flawless play in Anaheim on Friday night. The way the power play has been looking lately, in addition to the defense and the incredibly indistinguishable play of Comrie, Mike Rupp, Max Talbot, and Chris Kunitz, I’m moderately confident that they can keep it up.

2 Quick Sidenotes, after the jump:

8 Obvious Observations Heading Into Game 3

Pens/Canadiens Game 3 is tonight. Skipping the long winded “there’s no reason the Pens shouldn’t crush this team” Game 2 recap, here are 8 very obvious things I’d like to see happen in the series:

1. Crosby needs to score.

2. Malkin needs to score.

3. Fleury needs to play better. He’s quietly allowed 6 goals on 52 shots this series for a Save Pct. of .885.

4. Guerin and Kunitz need to do anything, ever.

5. Brooks Orpik needs to not leave dudes open in the slot then take pointless holding penalties behind the net, directly resulting in two goals.

6. Alexei Ponikarosvky has been playing more noticeably this series than he did against Ottawa, but it’d be awesome if he ever found himself in the same zipcode as the scoresheet.

7. Hal Gill needs to not be allowed to randomly bear hug dudes.

8. Halak? Whatever. Fucking score on him.

Blackhawks 2, Penguins 1 (OT): Pens Salvage A Point From Antti Niemi’s Highlight Reel DVD

Pierre LeBrun has the Blackhawks at #1 on his latest NHL Power Rankings, along with the justification:

Statement win in Pittsburgh on Saturday night, and wouldn’t that be a dandy of a Stanley Cup finals matchup?

By “Statement Win,” I assume LeBrun means, “Barely pulled-off overtime win against team missing the hottest player in the NHL thanks to ridiculous performance by backup goalie?”

The Penguins (who LeBrun ranks 6th, incidentally) dominated the second period and most of the third against the Blackhawks, but after Antti Niemi’s pad save on the Letestu-to-Gonchar one-timer in the final minute of the second, it was clear this game was gonna be one of those “The other team’s goalie is playing out of his mind and sometimes there’s nothing you can do about that” games.

Even if the Pens had lost in regulation, I wouldn’t have been discouraged by their performance against Chicago — every team loses a handful of games a year to a crazy opposing goalie performance, and like a baseball team getting shut out by Roy Halladay on a great night, you just kind of have to accept it — but the Pens still tied the game in the final minute to salvage a point, and they were missing the hottest player in the NHL and likely Art Ross trophy winner, Chris Kunitz. If the Pens play this exact game against Chicago seven times — even without taking into account their missing players — they win five of them. Getting the point in the final minute was gravy.

Mark Letestu played probably the most impressive single game by any of the Pens’ many AHL callups this season, setting up numerous scoring chances and cleanly winning the faceoff that led to the game-tying goal. I wouldn’t be shocked to see the Pens continue to give Letestu a chance over these next few weeks, even if Crosby and Kunitz come back; his offensive performance and random faceoff prowess made him instantly more valuable than Craig Adams and Eric Godard have been for the majority of the year, and certainly worth at least rotating him in as the go-to 13th forward in case of injury or the need to healthy scratch anyone.

I was also highly amused by the Mellon Arena fans’ reluctant on-and-off booing of Marian Hossa; it was clear that fans recognized a conscious obligation to boo him when he had the puck, but now that the Pens already got the ultimate revenge on Hossa in last year’s Cup Finals (and the fact that he now plays for the Red Wings’ archrival), the booing is so half-assed. If you’re keeping track at home, Hossa’s goal now gives him one in the last eight games against the Penguins. Dang.

Penguins 5, Rangers 2: Rupp Outduels Gaborik In Showdown Of Star Free Agent Pickups

I woke up in the middle of the night Sunday with a startling, half-awake realization: This offseason, instead of trading multiple dudes to the Rangers to acquire Scott Gomez’s suffocating contract, why didn’t the Canadiens just trade no one and sign Marian Gaborik? I know there’s some injury concern there, but geez, the dude’s 10 times the threat Scott Gomez has ever been, Gomez’s contract is just as massive, you keep Chris Higgins this way, and you end up with a dude who’s already scored more goals in 25 games this season than Gomez has in every season of his career except one.

Yep — half-awake Me is a better GM than Bob Gainey. Man is that dude fired after this season…

Anyway…the Pens remained impressive last night, beating the Rangers on the road with Henrik Lundqvist back in goal, despite a continued power play malaise and repeated inability to cover Gaborik with seven guys at all times. We knew it going in, but how clearly is Gaborik the only remotely threatening player on this Ranger team? Who else would you even think about covering in a playoff series against the Rangers? Like, Vinny Prospal? I feel like he should be the captain and star player on an expansion team somewhere; he’ll be on the Las Vegas ThundercrushDogs for their 2012 season opener, once Phoenix moves.

Kunitz To Miss Two Weeks With “Playing For ’09 Penguins”

Yayyy, Malkin’s coming back! Aaaaaand Chris Kunitz is hurt:

The Penguins’ Chris Kunitz will be out about two weeks — beginning tonight against Boston at Mellon Arena — for what coach Dan Bylsma called a lower-body injury that has been plaguing the left winger for some time….

Malkin is expected to shift to winger and play on a line with Sidney Crosby and Ruslan Fedotenko, at least early in the game.

Bylsma also said forward Mark Letestu would make his NHL debut against Boston.

I picture a cartoony scene where Malkin enters the revolving door to the Pens’ dressing room and the door keeps spinning, Kuntiz’s tie gets caught, and it flings him back out of the locker room, keeping the injury numbers the same.

It’s actually kind of funny at this point. Kunitz was playing terribly, and I don’t doubt for a second that he could’ve had a nagging injury, but I gave up being frustrated three injuries ago and now I’m just laughing.

While we’re going for broke, how bout we just give Crosby a spinal issue? And Fleury gets shot in the ass, Joey Porter style. And Mark Letestu just explodes the second his skate touches the ice.

I would knock on wood after making these jokes, but I’m afraid a splinter might break off and fly through Goligoski’s brain.

GAME THREE: Pens 4, Red Wings 2 — The Hockey Gods Giveth, The Hockey Gods Miss A Really Obvious Too Many Men Call

After the Pens ended up on the dark side of both physics and officiating in Game Two, they played their worst game of the series so far and walked away with a 4-2 victory.

Credit Where Credit Is Due:

– Max Talbot played his ass off, Fleury had arguably his best game since mid-Caps series or possibly Philly Game 4, and the Pens’ power play actually scored twice against a team without Tim Gleason on its roster, including at the game’s most crucial juncture.

And Now, Ripping On People:

–The refereeing sure took a wild swing back in the Pens’ favor last night, with Pittsburgh avoiding a lengthy, crazily obvious too many men penalty that just simply doesn’t ever get missed in the NHL (unless it’s a three-second infraction where the player hops back on the bench right as the opposing team starts yelling, which this most certainly wasn’t). The refs also forewent a Chris Kunitz cross-check to Johan Franzen’s head, but went ahead and whistled Jonathan Ericsson for interference in the third, which was definitely interference but also more minor than about 30,000 other uncalled plays in this series. Again, I’ll always argue that it’s tough to say refereeing “cost” a team a game, as the Wings did allow two power play goals on only three opportunities, to the same power play that we spend about a paragraph making fun of every other day.

– Detroit also managed just three shots on goal in the third period. I don’t think the refs blocked many.

– Kris Letang’s goal was pretty weak on Chris Osgood’s part; I’ve always felt that if you don’t one-time a power play point shot, there’s no point in then going ahead and shooting it anyway once the defense adjusts, because it gets blocked and cleared about 80% of the time, but Letang’s shot got through the D and went right through Osgood for a refreshingly questionable goal. Now if only we can get one to hit off the boards, post, his pad, and his ass before trickling in…

GAME THREE: Pens 6, Hurricanes 2 — THIS Is The Second Best Team In The East?

Sorry for the post-delay, I was busy taking Memorial Day weekend off and enjoying life. And now back to ripping on random hockey players for a devoted group of like seven blog readers!

– Carolina’s defense is downright awful. I wrote before the series (which I still thought would be a hard-fought seven gamer) that I wasn’t sold on Joe Corvo or Joni Pitkanen as impactful playoff-caliber defensemen, and nothing that’s happened this series has dispelled that belief; Corvo is a solid pointman and good transitional passer but sub-mediocre defensively and physically, and Pitkanen, while never emerging as the offensive threat multiple teams hoped he’d become, is still prone to monumental defensive lapses, including getting burnt up the middle by Max Talbot and torched to rubble by Evgeni Malkin on two separate Game Three sequences.

– Even worse, can someone who follows the Hurricanes year-round tell me, has Tim Gleason always been the worst defenseman in the NHL, or has he just been playing like it for three games? If he plays half as badly in the regular season as he has in the Pens games we’ve seen, he has no business being a professional ice hockey player. His giveaway to Malkin to spark the Pens’ tying goal en route to their unrelenting lead was laughable, but just one of about a half-dozen goals he’s been directly responsible for in this series.

– Cam Ward hasn’t gotten much help from his defense in this series, and by “not much help” I mean, “at least Tim Gleason didn’t literally grab a bucket of pucks and pour them into his own net,” but he also hasn’t been great himself, and certainly not on the level of series-stealing impenetrability that I and many media types feared heading into this series. Other than a stellar second period in Game Three, Ward has been eminently beatable in this series, and the previously snakebitten Penguins have been more than happy to oblige.

– After three Carolina-ripping bullet points, time to state the obvious: Malkin and Crosby have owned this series on a level rarely ever demonstrated by individuals in an NHL postseason. Short of a hot goalie or possibly one player here or there, you simply don’t see two players absolutely just take over entire serieses in the NHL Playoffs; every time Malkin touches the puck, he creates a scoring chance as though he’s running a lax 3-on-2 practice drill where the defensemen intentionally back off to make sure the goalie gets to face a solid shot attempt. I also lamented Crosby’s finishing ability during the regular season, wondering how for all the offensive chances he creates he always ends up in the 30-goal range, but he’s just thrown everything near his stick into the back of the net this entire postseason. Even if the Hurricanes’ D had showed up in this series, I can’t imagine they’d have made much of a dent in the Malkin/Crosby momentum.

– Chris Kunitz has played two straight legitimately impactful playoff games, which, based on his track record, I’m inclined to interpret more as a return to the norm for Kunitz as opposed to a two-game anomaly before he reverts back to uselessness. He’s still playing physically but has been much stronger on the puck, he’s patient, he’s creating chances, he’s hitting the net ever, and in general, I’ve stopped instantly changing the channel to the WE Network every time the puck comes near him.

– Even though Versus showed the clip of Fleury bobbling the puck that trickled wide of the net about 470 times, I thought he played a decent game; he gave up a bad rebound on the second goal, but critical announcers never seem to realize, every goalie gives up rebounds in every game, they only get blasted for them if their defense fails to pick up the opposing forwards, and Fleury continues to be victimized by this nearly every game. Carolina had a power play in the third with a chance to tie the game at 3 and couldn’t convert; I’ve been more critical of Fleury than most other people this postseason, but I had no problems with his Game Three performance.

– I ripped on Eric Staal in the last game recap and he didn’t spring to life and score seven goals, so maybe that jinx is over.

– Watching Hal Gill skate at full speed is my new favorite activity. Not just in hockey games, I mean in life.

– Kris Letang still worries me a little; he’s been really weak on the puck in his own zone and can’t seem to clear or shoot the puck with any force. I imagine he’s still a little banged up from the earlier series, and hopefully he’ll get another chance to rest if the Pens can finish off the Hurricanes quickly, but he’s simply not going to squeak by against the Red Wings playing the way he has been in his own zone.

– Bob Smizik argues that the Pens don’t really need to win Game Four, because the profit they’ll make off a home Game Five would benefit the franchise more than a quick end to a series they’re going to win anyway, which does make sense on paper, but who in their right mind would actually prefer even the slightest increase in the chances of an injury to Crosby or Malkin with an additonal game? The Pens have already played eight sold-out home playoff games and have at least two Finals home games on the way — they can afford to frickin’ win a hockey game tonight. The days of trading Dan LaCouture to save $800,000 are long over.

GAME TWO: Pens 7, Hurricanes 4 — The Teams Put On A Defensive Clinic

– Not a bad evening for the individual at the top of this blog:

– Chris Kunitz had a goal and two solid assists, clearly inspired by my post on Wednesday making fun of him. Fleury had a solid Game 1 after I made fun of him, Viktor Kozlov and Tom Poti both had great Game 6s after I ripped on them, and Rob Scuderi and David Steckel ended up having important roles in the Washington series after I joked about the amount of attention they wouldn’t get. Without hyperbole, I can honestly say that this blog is probably the most important factor in the NHL Playoffs at the moment, and possibly in all of sports.

– Cam Ward is gonna be pissed when he shows up to this series and finds out that some dude’s been wearing his jersey and ruining his numbers.

– I’d rip on Kris Letang for his wussy pass to set up Dennis Seidenberg for the third Carolina goal, but it was just trampled in the blitzkrieg of horrible defense for about 59:99 of this game (the other second was Rob Scuderi clearing a puck once). Would either of these teams be able to face the Red Wings right now without a goal light shorting out?

– Tim Gleason was on the wrong end of about 14 Penguin goals tonight, give or take.

– Eric Staal’s playing in this series too, right?

– Brooks Laich (I think) made fun of the Mellon Arena stat-keepers during a between-periods interview last series, saying they intentionally rack up more shots for the Penguins, and at the time I ripped on him because if Sidney Crosby would ever say something like that in an interview every blog would be copy-pasting their “Crosby is a whiner” rants, but that being said, there is NO WAY the Penguins outshot the Hurricanes 16-6 in the second period of last night’s game.

– The Pens’ power play mimicked competency as the game progressed, and you know what that means: Horrible, anger-inducing power play right off the bat in Game Three to immediately puncture your new confidence.

– And finally, you know things are going right when Miroslav Satan stands up for his teammates during a last-minute scuffle by attempting to stickhandle Patrick Eaves.

Post-Gazette Adds Hilarious New Onion-Style “Joke Headlines” Section

Check out this wacky fake headline on Post-Gazette.com today:

Haha…good one, Molinari! I would’ve gone with “Goal-less Kunitz clear front-runner for Conn Smythe,” but your fake headline is a lot more subtle.

Did you remember to add humorous, made-up quotes like The Onion?

“That’s when you get into more trouble, when you start over-thinking or trying to do too much,” Kunitz said.

Haha, nice! Kunitz’s problem is that he’s clearly trying to do too much. It’s hard to miss the net and have your shots blocked when you’re also turning pucks over constantly; you have to simplify your game and do one or the other. Go on:

“Obviously, you want to score and help offensively, but I know I have other responsibilities,” he said: “Going to the net, recovering pucks, being physical.”

He added, “All of which Sidney Crosby has been doing brilliantly. And I’m often on the ice when it happens.”

Bring us home with a quote about Kunitz not caring about his slump, joke article:

“I don’t think I’m lacking confidence,” he said. “It’s just one of those things where we keep winning and doing well, it’s not something I think about.”

“It,” meaning, “how I’ve been playing?” He doesn’t think about how he’s playing because the team beat the Capitals four games to three? I think this quote was maybe a little too farfetched, Molinari, even for an Onion-style article. It has to at least be a little believable that the person might actually say it.

Overall, though, love the new joke articles feature! Make the next one about Matthieu Garon expecting to start Game Two!

GAME ONE: Pens 3, Hurricanes 2 — Fleury And Cam Ward Pay Homage To “Trading Places”

Game One of the Eastern Finals wasn’t entirely unlike the majority of the Washington series: The Pens dominated the first and mostly controlled the third, sandwiched around a dangerously lackadaisical second and topped off with an apparent willingness to give away their two-goal lead as easily as possible. The Pens only allowed 25 shots, right around the total they gave up in many of the Capitals games, yet the Canes had about 23 heart-attackey scoring chances, for an out-of-whack “Scored/Almost Scored per Shot” ratio also right in line with the Capitals series.

The difference? Marc-Andre Fleury made all the saves he had to plus a number of spectacular ones, and Cam Ward allowed two semi-questionable goals certainly not befitting his reputation as a playoff game-stealer. Just as we predicted.  .  .  [Cough] .  .  . what?

The Game One win was exactly that, though: a Game One win. The Hurricanes played a couple sloppy periods, only had two power plays, and didn’t get their best game from Cam Ward, and they still almost tied this one up on the road in the third period. To think this series is anything but just beginning — even independently of the Canes’ comebacks in Rounds 1 and 2 of the playoffs — would be foolish. Not to be Captain Pessimist McRepetitive, but when I remarked to my brother “Fleury straight-up outplayed Ward, how bout that?” he instantly, soberly replied, “Yep. And do you really expect that to happen throughout the entire series?” In case you were wondering, that loud bursting noise you just heard was my precious, precious bubble.

Random thoughts:

– I’m really glad we finally have a proven playoff performer who can go to the net and bury his chances like Miroslav Satan, cause Chris Kunitz just wasn’t getting it done. (This sentence would have been a wacky joke one month ago, and now it’s a funny/sad truth)

– Clearing the zone continues to be an adventure for the Pens’ defensemen and backchecking forwards, even when they’re six inches from their own blueline with the puck and no one pressuring them. They’re like an ongoing experiment in finding creative ways to not get the puck out of their zone against all odds and physics.

– Not Eric Staal’s loudest playoff game; I wouldn’t expect this to keep up for the majority of the series, especially if the Canes start earning more power plays. Did you know he is brothers with Jordan Staal of the Penguins?? In fact there is other Staal brothers wowww!

– The Scott Walker interference penalty and Satan holding penalty in the first were both BS; the refs appeared to get their antsyness out of the way early, then decided not to call anything the rest of the game (including Matt Cooke’s interference/leg thing on Jussi Jokinen and Eric Staal shooting Fleury’s stick away from him right before the Canes’ second goal).

– I don’t want to see the Pens try to grind out the remainder of the playoffs with only eleven forwards, but can they really afford to bench Philippe Boucher for Pascal Dupuis after Boucher’s game-winning goal and really nice assist in Game One? I imagine he’s bought a starting spot for at least another game; you never know, too, as injuries are always possible at any time. I also miss Dupuis’ super-predictable slapshot from 50 feet away coming down the left wing that goes in once every fifty games.

– How much better did both Hurricanes power plays look than any of the Pens’ power plays? The Pens’ first two advantages were particularly embarrassing. I said in my prediction post that I don’t trust the Pens’ superior PP% numbers to the Canes’ for one second, and was justified by their man advantage misadventures once again this game.

– A friend of mine reminded me the oft-forgotten detail that Tyler Kennedy is still only 22. He’s been playing with unbelievable patience and confidence this entire postseason, and came close to two well-earned goals in Game One.

– Another friend of mine pointed out that Mellon Arena sounded strangely quiet for the majority of the game, which I couldn’t help but notice also, especially in the third (and was dead silent after the Corvo goal). If the Arena was actually loud and Versus merely did a poor job of capturing the sound, then I stand corrected, but it would also be the first time the Versus NHL coverage ever did anything that wasn’t completely perfect.

– Finally, for all the Pens fans who complain about how the team doesn’t shoot the puck enough and tries to make a nice play too often, which is often true, the Hurricanes last night passed up more no-brainer shooting chances than I recall the Pens ever passing up in a single game this year. Ray Whitney is essentially reverse-Ovechkin with his shooting decisions, and if the Pens had attempted that double-pass from point blank range that the Canes ended up shooting into Kris Letang’s ass, the cries of “JUST SHOOT IT!” from the Mellon Arena crowd would have struck a chord so loud as to shatter the scoreboard and short-out the lights in the building, Sudden Death style, resulting in a home team forfeit. Just remember that next time Crosby tries to set up Chris Kunitz and he whiffs on a one-timer instead of firing it three feet wide.