NHL Trade Deadline Review: Golden Gods And Worthless Pieces Of Crap

Thursday after the NHL Trade Deadline: The day every hockey site on the internet issues their Deadline “Winners and Losers” or “Deadline Report Cards,” always qualifying the lists with the standard admission “We won’t really know who the real winners are for months or years to come…” but proceeding with the gimmicky analysis nonetheless.

It’s true that some of the trades can’t be definitively analyzed the day after they occur, and the majority of the trades are too inconsequential to even merit either team being dubbed a “winner” or “loser”, but who wants to read a level-headed, non-kneejerk, middle-of-the-road writeup about a bunch of third-line wingers getting traded for draft picks? The answer is that no one [effing] does.

That’s why, instead of backing down from a Deadline Winners/Losers column, I’m taking an even more extreme step and naming my Trade Deadline GOLDEN GODS and WORTHLESS PIECES OF CRAP, i.e., teams that will definitely win the Cup because of their deadline pickups versus teams that will plunge into a ten-year pall of defeat because of their actions at the deadline. NO IN-BETWEENS. Let’s get started.

GOLDEN GODS:

Phoenix – Added F Wojtek Wolski, F Lee Stempniak, D Mathieu Schneider, D Derek Morris, F Alexandre Picard, G Miika Wiikman, F Petteri Nokelainen

So many dudes!!! Wojtek Wolski is a top-tier talent with 30-goal potential who needs a change of scenery, and Derek Morris and Mathieu Schneider are required to get dealt at every trade deadline, so they should bring some solid having-been-traded experience to the Coyotes’ blue line! Phoenix is our first GOLDEN GOD and is now the favorite for the Stanley Cup.

Pittsburgh – Added F Alexei Ponikarovsky, D Jordan Leopold

Awwwww yeahhhhh Alexei Ponikarovsky’s name has been said a lot the last few weeks and now the Pens got him and also they got Jordan Leopold so OUTTA THE WAY conference this team is a DEADLINE GOLDEN GOD and are now the favorite for the Stanley Cup!!!

Anaheim – Added D Lubomir Visnovsky, D Aaron Ward, G Joey MacDonald, G Curtis McElhinney

Lubomir Visnovsky is a legit veteran power play specialist who can take the reigns from Scott Niedermayer when he retires, and Aaron Ward is veteran veteran veteran Cup! Two more goalies and moving Vesa Toskala’s contract? The stuff of GOLDEN GODS. Anaheim has just won the Stanley Cup.


WORTHLESS PIECES OF CRAP:

Canadian Internet Survives Yet Another NHL Trade Deadline

The 2009 NHL Trade Deadline is passed, so now it’s time for the fun part: making snap judgments about mostly unspectacular moves before we later learn for sure how insignificant most of them turned out to be!

Sabres acquire C Dominic Moore from Maple Leafs for 2nd Round Pick

TSN reports that Moore is seeking a multiyear deal for around $2.5-$3 million per season; apparently, he read some “Biggest Free Agent Busts” columns online this year and really wants his name in one as soon as possible.

Bruins acquire W Mark Recchi, 2nd Round Pick from Lightning for D Matt Lashoff, F Martin Karsums

Recchi should bring a nice veteran presence, moderate offensive ability to Boston’s seventh line.

Flyers acquire F Daniel Carcillo from Coyotes for F Scottie Upshall, 2nd Round Pick

Ever get the impression that sometimes Philly just goes “THAT DUDE’S AN ASSHOLE WHAT WE ALREADY HAVE 37 GUYS JUST LIKE HIM WHO CARES MAKE THE DEAL AHHHHHHH!!!!”

Flyers acquire D Kyle McLaren from Sharks for 6th Round Pick

Laugh if you want, but McLaren did score 10 power play goals as recently as HIS ENTIRE CAREER.

Flames acquire C Olli Jokinen, 3rd Round Pick from Coyotes for F Matthew Lombardi, F Brandon Prust, 2009 or 2010 1st Round Pick

The Coyotes realize you can only have five skaters on the ice at any given time, right? If you have 50 ok players in your organization, you can’t just throw them all on at once and overwhelm the other team. But I commend their “Gulliver’s Travels” approach to roster-building.

Flames acquire D Jordan Leopold from Avalanche for D Ryan Wilson, D Lawrence Nycholat, 2nd Round Pick

If the Flames enter the postseason completely healthy or close to it, they’ll be able to legitimately rival Detroit and San Jose’s depth, but even stronger on the blue line; they’re a completely legitimate Cup contender. Also, that one dude’s name sounds like the movie “Chocolat”.

Lightning acquire D Noah Welch, 2009 Third Round Pick from Panthers for D Steve Eminger

Aaaand another Craig Patrick draft pick gets passed along like a hot potato. This deal was made primarily to make Pens fans chuckle.

Anaheim acquires F Erik Christensen from Thrashers for F Eric O’Dell

See previous.

Maple Leafs acquire G Olaf Kolzig, D Jamie Heward, D Andy Rogers, 4th Round Pick from Lightning for D Richard Petoit

The funniest deal of the day. Basically, Toronto trades “agreeing to take on the salaries of the injured Kolzig and Heward” in exchange for Rogers and a draft pick. I’m surprised the league allowed this deal to go through; it’s basically money laundering with people. Maybe Brian Burke gave a convincing speech about Kolzig being the Leafs’ goalie of the future and Gary Bettman figured “well, not much more ridiculous than banking on Martin Gerber, maybe it is a real trade.”