Steelers 28, Browns 10: Let The Awkward Cheering Begin!

That plan worked perfectly, huh? Have Ben Roethlisberger sit out four games, allow the story of his offseason troubles to fade a bit, force Steeler fans to put up with four weeks of Dennis Dixon and Charlie Batch sailing deep balls, have Brett Favre get busted for sending pictures of his penis to Jets staffers and BAM! Bring Ben back to crush the Browns and have everyone cheer him. Roethlisberger Cakes for all! Yes, that link is Safe For Work.

Roethlisberger wasn’t perfect in this game (sidenote to game stories that mentioned he wasn’t perfect: Ben Roethlisberger isn’t perfect when he’s regular), but he threw for 257 yards and three TDs, the last of which occurred only so we have to say “three TDs” in our accounts of Roethlisberger’s return game instead of the more pedestrian-sounding “two.”

I will say though, the Browns seemed to be decently well-coached; their offensive play calling wasn’t overly predictable, their defensive schemes legitimately puzzled the Steelers at times, and their punt team was the greatest punt team that ever punt teammed, but the Browns just really noticeably lack talent all over the field, and the outcome of this game was never actually in doubt. And I say that as a typical “try to psyche myself out no matter how good the Steelers are looking so I don’t jinx it” homer fan. Even though the First Half score and total yardage were close, Pittsburgh controlled this game from start to finish.

The CBS announcing team provided my favorite “guy announcing the Steelers” cliche, introducing Aaron Smith as the “Very Underrated” Aaron Smith. Why does everyone always, always use the exact word “underrated” to compliment Aaron Smith? This has been going on in Pittsburgh papers, on national broadcasts, on highlight shows, and amongst Steeler fans for about six years now. At some point, isn’t he just “Really Good”?

My only criticism of the Steelers in this one was their overuse of Rashard Mendenhall after the game was already sealed up. I’m probably just being picky, but Mendenhall finished the game with 27 carries and touched the ball 10 times in the fourth quarter, while Isaac Redman only carried the ball 6 times all game. I’d like to see the Steelers give the ball to Redman some more late in games that they’re dominating to save Mendenhall a bit; even though 30 touches isn’t an absurdly high number for a #1 back, the Steelers can’t afford to have Mendenhall wear down as the season goes on, so spreading some carries around here and there when games are already decided seems like a no-brainer. FIRE BRUCE ARIANS ZOMG!!!!

The Steelers are currently 3 point favorites at Miami next week. Facing Colt McCoy and Chad Henne in back-to-back weeks? Brutal college schedule.

Ravens 20, Steelers 17 (OT): Pittsburgh Loses Without Polamalu, Roethlisberger, Kemoeatu, Goligoski, And Kunitz

I again didn’t feel like writing about the Steeler game this week, partly because I was out of town, partly cause I found the outcome simultaneously inevitable and bland, but I guess if I’m writing a blog about Pittsburgh sports I can’t just pout any time the Steelers lose, so here’s a quick recap. Then I’ll resume sucking my thumb and sneaking back into my crawlspace. You bunch of meanies.

Against the Bengals and Chiefs, I honestly never even entertained the thought that the Steelers might end up losing the games until the final minutes of each; much of this was straight-up naive arrogance on my part, but also, the Steelers appeared to be in control of both games, and given their extensive history of pulling off “what were you worried about?” fourth-quarter go-ahead drives at will last season, I’ve just grown spoiled with the idea that the Steelers are just going to prevail no matter what, just as the bloodied, limping Bruce Willis is always going to have the last laugh in any Die Hard movie.

Unfortunately, the past three weeks have been a different kind of Die Hard movie: A really boring one with and irritating ending. This has nothing to do with Die Hard, I’m just pissed about the game and attempted to write something more colorful than just “I’m pissed,” but ended up just regressing back to literally writing “I’m pissed.” And I am pissed.

I joked before the Ravens game that because the Ravens hadn’t been pulling their standard B.S. Ravens luck this season — they’ve actually lost several games on highly unlucky missed field goals and some lame penalty calls — that they had to have been saving up for one giant helping of Ravens luck against the Steelers. And wouldn’t you know it, Ben Roethlisberger finds out at the eleventh hour he can’t play, Charlie Batch is out for 6 weeks, and Dennis Dixon is starting his first NFL game on the road in Baltimore, has only two days to prepare, and the Steelers are missing Troy Polamalu, Chris Kemoeatu, and of course Aaron Smith, and the 2 1/2 Ravens point spread took an unsurprising leap to 7 1/2.

Random thoughts:

Bengals 18, Steelers 12: How Bout That Pens / Bruins Game?

As if this game wasn’t frustrating enough, we can now brace ourselves for an aftermath of writers and commentators saying that Cincinnati’s record and their double-sweep of the Steelers and Ravens proves unequivocally that the Bengals are, in fact, the best team in the AFC North. Sure, their defense has played a lot better the last two weeks than I ever gave them credit for, and maybe it’s just my day-after bitterness talking, but does anyone honestly think that the Steelers wouldn’t beat this team in a head-to-head playoff game, even on the road? Provided Polamalu’s leg hasn’t been amputated by then, of course.

That being said, the Steelers simply did nothing to deserve this game. The defense played well but didn’t create any turnovers, and the offense, while not completely horrible, also didn’t make any big plays, couldn’t convert third downs, couldn’t do anything in the red zone, and just generally earned that stupid-looking “12″ on the scoreboard at game’s end.

Before I go into details of the Steelers’ ineptitude and make us all angry again, let’s rewatch Bill Guerin’s game-tying goal against Boston:

Woooooo!!!!! LET’S GO PENS!!! LET’S GO PENS!!!

What was I talking about? I forget. Probably not anything terrible that ruined my Sunday, I imagine. Yayyy hockeyyyyyy!!!

Guh…alright…some random Bengals thoughts after the jump:

Steelers 28, Broncos 10: Kyle Orton Suddenly Remembers He’s Kyle Orton

The Steelers’ 28-10 victory in Denver last night was a satisfying one for a number of (fairly obvious) reasons:

– The offensive line played consistently well for four quarters. Rashard Mendenhall finished with 155 yards on 22 carries, including only two completely stuffed runs that I can recall, as opposed to the usual “every back-to-back run is immediately stuffed and the running game is abandoned until the next series.” Roethlisberger had tons of time to throw, especially in the second half, and only took sacks after long pocket sequences in which every receiver was blanketed throughout the play. Announcers call these plays “coverage sacks,” but I’d more accurately call them “Ben Roethlisberger is Ben Roethlisberger.”

– We can dispense with the idea that Champ Bailey is a shutdown corner whose halves of fields opposing quarterbacks deliberately avoid. Santonio Holmes finished with six catches for 93 yards, most of them with Bailey extremely visible in the tv frame.

– Is there a more pointless stat than naming the combined number of Pro-Bowl appearances by a group, as the MNF crew did with the Champ Bailey / Ty Law / Brian Dawkins Broncos secondary? Good thing the Broncos didn’t have Junior Seau and his 75 Pro Bowls also, or they would’ve really crushed the Steelers in the “Having More Pro Bowls On Your Roster Regardless Of The Players’ Current Ages” Race, which is the object of football.

– Odd play selection discrepancy by the Broncos: They attempted 3 actual runs and 78,556,031 playaction fakes. The Steelers stopped biting after that first series, as any group of humans with eyes / the capability for short-term memory would have.

Steelers 27, Vikings 17: Dumbass NFL Victories Are Way More Fun Than Dumbass NFL Losses

The Steelers had already fallen victim to two “Dammit, NFL” losses, so it was about time for a “Dammit, NFL” win. The Steelers didn’t control play against the Vikings at all; they were outgained 386 – 259, lost the possession battle 36:58 – 23:02, converted only 4 of 12 third downs, most of which were exceedingly reasonable, and Roethlisberger turned in a pedestrian 14/26 for 175 yards and a TD. Still, the Steelers prevailed, because it’s the damn NFL and good teams win weird games like this all the time; unless you’re the ’07 Patriots, even the league’s best teams usually pad their gaudy records with three or four crappy victories, but in the end, as cliched as it sounds, none of that matters, cause the Steelers won, they’re 5-2 now, and the Vikings are no longer undefeated.

The Vikings did commit an astonishing 5,795 yards worth of penalties, which helped a bit, and the Steelers D finally got tired of us whining about them needing to make a big play and spitefully scored two touchdowns to shut us up (for at least one quarter). Even with the Vikings’ miscues and the seemingly slanted offensive statistics, the Steelers could’ve put the game away earlier if…

1) Santonio Holmes’ TD wasn’t negated with an offensive pass interference call on Heath “Ol’ Reliable Except On That Play” Miller.

2) Rashard Mendenhall hadn’t fumbled on the Vikings 4 yard line by diving over the pile on a non-goalline play and spastically flinging away the football. I’m pretty sure Mendenhall was waiting for the exact millisecond when Steeler fans finally trusted him again after his rookie struggles and Bengals-game benching to make sure that when he did screw up again, it was extra gut-wrenching. I’m still waiting for Lastings Milledge to do the same with the Pirates next year, with a hot month of April followed by him randomly founding a Neo-Nazi hate group in May (Awww, crap!)

3) Not allowed Percy Harvin to return a kickoff 275 yards for a touchdown (yep, he ran the length of the field and back untouched 2.75 times). The Steelers special teams had to play competently for all of 2008 before I even began to entertain the thought that whenever they kicked off, it might actually not get returned for a touchdown (or to like, the Steeler 10), and like the Mendenhall thing, juuuuuuust when I was beginning to believe in the Steelers’ special teams, they’ve now given up kick return TDs in back to back games.

Apologies for the Bill Simmons-style rip-off reference, but I feel a bit like Helen Hunt at the end of Cast Away; after being convinced for months and months through therapy that my husband was gone, I finally grew to accept it, then BAM! He’s back out of nowhere. Only in this case, the husband is some random fast dude warping to the 50 untouched and me shrugging too hard to bother shouting the F-word.

4) Any Combination of the Above. All three would’ve been nice.

Other random thoughts on the game:

Did Rashard Mendenhall Sleep With Ron Cook’s Wife Or Something?

I don’t share the unconditional ire for the Post-Gazette’s Columnists that many bloggers seem to automatically harbor in spades for their hometown publications’ veteran writers, but occasionally, the P-G’s Ron Cook will write something so misguidedly angry and so completely unfounded, I’m actually kind of impressed.

Today’s column is a picture-perfect example of this random venomous hatred:

Steelers’ 2008 draft class a bust so far

Ok, so it’s gonna be an article about the thoroughly disappointing starts of running back Rashard Mendenhall, receiver Limas Sweed, and the already-cut linebacker Bruce Davis. Seems like a logical choice, particularly after Sweed’s TD drop against Cincy and Mendenhall’s mysterious benching.

Only, Cook doesn’t simply point out the factual evidence of Mendenhall and Sweed’s struggles — he is personally, deeply offended by their absolutely outrageous behavior, and when you read these EXTREMELY over-the-line quotes from the players, you will be too. Take it away, Angry Angerson:

But it’s much worse that Mendenhall — the first-round choice — did such a poor job preparing for the game that he was benched by irritated coach Mike Tomlin. This guy is supposed to be a professional? He certainly doesn’t look like one.

Mendenhall’s actions really are reprehensible. “Rashard wasn’t on the details this week,” Tomlin said of his decision not to play him on offense. How can that be? How can Mendenhall let his teammates down like that? How can he let himself down?

“It was a bunch of little stuff,” Mendenhall said when asked what Tomlin meant.

I’m guessing it was more than that. Certainly, Tomlin didn’t consider it to be “little stuff.” Coaches rarely call out a player publicly and embarrass him. That’s a drastic step.

Shame on Mendenhall.

Is he not smart enough to realize the opportunity he has with the Steelers?

Mendenhall’s benching was definitely unusual and disappointing, but I just can’t tell what about either one of those extremely vague single sentences from Tomlin and Mendenhall sparked such an anger in Cook.

Tomlin says that Mendenhall wasn’t “on the details,” Mendenhall himself confirms this, then Cook assumes it’s “more than that” and gets angry at his own assumption. He then performs this:

But like most of Steeler Nation, Cook is even more personally offended by Limas Sweed, who not only dropped a touchdown pass this weekend, but he’s also a blockheaded, coddled, privileged diva about it:

Really, how can anyone have faith in Sweed?

What’s most troubling is that Sweed doesn’t seem to have a clue that his job could be in jeopardy. “It happened. I hit the ground and the ball bounced out,” he said of his latest drop.

That’s pretty lame.

Sweed’s game is lame.

Sweed has some god damned nerve literally saying what happened. If he were a professional, he would have admitted “When I dropped the ball I was like oh shit my job is in jeopardy and I realize that!!!!”

Again, I’m not disputing that Mendenhall and Sweed have been off to terrible career starts that certainly could amount to the 2008 Steeler draft being a waste — no Steeler fan denies this — I just don’t understand why Cook is so bent upon portraying the two underachievers as ignorant pathological failures whose naivety (based on three general quotes and conjecture) should offend each and every one of us.

Is Cook really that angry at these guys, or does he just have to sound this way because a simple “Mendenhall and Sweed have been crappy so far” column would’ve been too obvious?

Either way, the Steelers should bring in Doug Mientkiewicz. That dude knows how to play the game THE RIGHT WAY.

Bengals 23, Steelers 20: I Need A Vacation

There’s nothing quite so uniquely demoralizing as going to a bar with friends to watch a game, eating a bunch of food, drinking beers, and then losing that game to a mediocre team in the final seconds despite a dominant first half and an eleven-point lead in the fourth quarter (and roughly 57,829 missed chances). It’s like going to a three-hour movie and only realizing in the last fifteen seconds that the movie is terrible and you’ve wasted your afternoon.

You also begin to regret the beers and the fish n’ chips platter and the fried pickles, as they’ve retroactively transformed from celebratory group-engorging to just a bunch of fatty, heavy crap you piled into your stomach while your team lost stupidly. Then you get home, it’s 7:30, and you realize you’ve spent your Sunday devoted to something that merely pissed you off.

Why is this acceptable in sports and in no other walks of life? I’d never devote three hours to watching a CSI: Miami DVD then walk away going “Dammit, why did that have to happen? There goes my whole day. I’m gonna be angry through to Wednesday now.”

Fortunately, this Thursday, I’m going to Europe for two weeks. Not because of this game. Well, partly because of this game. But only like 30% because of this game. Needless to say, my initial reservation about the timing of my trip — “Damn, I’m gonna miss two Steeler games, two Penn State games, some MLB playoffs and the start of hockey season” — has transformed into “Yay, I don’t have to watch this crap for two weeks!”

I’m not sure the game requires much analysis, so here are some whiny complaints: