Yo Momma’s So Ugly, If She Were A Period Of Hockey She’d Be The Third Period Of Last Night’s Lightning Game

Ordinarily when a team blows a third-period lead or comes close to it, you’ll hear hindsight clichés spewing from coaches and analysts along the lines of “we stopped being aggressive in the third” or “we needed to tighten up defensively” or some sort of theoretical failed adjustment to explain how a team went from leading to suddenly not leading.

Sometimes, though, as in the case of last night’s Pens/Lightning game, wouldn’t it have been nice to just NOT ALMOST BLOW A FOUR GOAL LEAD IN THE THIRD TO THE DAMN TAMPA BAY LIGHTNING? Forget failed adjustments, forget a sudden lack of aggressiveness, forget any explanations or excuses — why can’t this team play a normal frickin’ period of hockey in which they do not give up four goals?

It’d be like a friend of yours saying “I need to not gain 15 pounds by next week – how should I adjust my diet?” You’d answer, “You don’t have to do anything, just be normal and you’ll be fine” then you look over and he’s shoving a wedding cake in his mouth and you’re like “Why are you doing that?” and he goes “Ah, crap, I really failed to monitor my diet…” and you yell at him “That has nothing to do with it, just don’t eat a giant wedding cake this week, it’s really really simple…” and so on. Does that make any sense? It makes absolutely perfect sense? Ok cool.

For added patheticness, the Pens’ game-winning goal came on a Flyers-esque blatant goaltender interference play by Ruslan Fedotenko that wasn’t disallowed — every replay showed Fedotenko clearly impeding Ramo as Petr Sykora flipped the puck into the vacated left-60% of the net, a play which is only legal when it’s against Christobal Huet in Game 7 of an opening round Philly/Washington series.

The rest of the third period was so uniquely, bewilderingly awful that I don’t know how to interpret its implications on the Pens’ long-term state heading into the playoffs; if Fleury had let in three straight bad goals or Mark Eaton specifically got beat one-on-one twice or something, then I’d know what to be worried about, but the Pens’ third period ineptitude was so random and so extreme, it was almost amusing. The Lightning had sporadic 3-on-1s and 2-on-1s completely out of nowhere, sometimes breaking out after the puck was already over the Pens’ blue line and a defender would just spontaneously not be there, not to mention countless instances of Penguins getting outworked in the corners and in front of the net by massively inferior forwards. Fortunately, the Pens won’t have to go up against any firepower the likes of Jeff “Third Line Center McGee” Halpern in the postseason.

Malkin has been unnervingly human the last few games – he had two assists tonight but wasn’t a dominant offensive presence, despite quarterbacking two lengthy 5-on-3s. Hopefully he’s not headed into the postseason Witness Protection Program again, Red Wings Series style.

– I would’ve advocated starting Garon against the Islanders Thursday, but after a puzzling third period for Fleury and the rest of the club, I wouldn’t mind seeing him back in net to try to regain his bearings in what should be an easy victory.

– Can Matt Cooke score a goal without ending up on the ice afterward? Does the act of scoring just require so much effort out of him that his muscles inevitably give way as soon as the red light goes off? Hopefully that doesn’t include his bowels.

– The third period was so excitingly bad, I didn’t have to write anything about the first period, which was probably the most boring period of Penguins hockey I’ve seen since Dan Bylsma took over.

– The Capitals and Flyers both won, the Hurricanes really won, and the Devils and Canadiens lost. The Pens inch ever-closer to a first round matchup with Jersey…any chance we can sign Aleksey Morozov to a seven-game contract?


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One Response to “Yo Momma’s So Ugly, If She Were A Period Of Hockey She’d Be The Third Period Of Last Night’s Lightning Game”

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