GAME ONE: Pens 4, Flyers 1

Director: Alright, Flyers, you’re on a 4-5-1 slump to end the season, you just blew a third-period lead against the Rangers to lose home-ice advantage right after barely beating the Islanders, and now you’re going on the road in Pittsburgh against a red-hot team loaded with offense and Cup rings. And, as always, you can’t play defense. Ready? Annnnnnddd…..ACTION!

Flyers: [Play First Period]

Director: Whoa whoa whoa, CUT!! What the HELL was that? Flyers, baby, you are SERIOUSLY overacting here. I know I said you’re in a funk and you can’t play defense and etc etc but my God man, you’re the fifth seed in the East and you’re playing your archrival with a chance to avenge last season’s elimination, have SOME balls, alright? Are you acting retarded on purpose to try to win an Oscar? I got news for you – you’re won’t, cause no one believes you’re really that bad. I mean Christ, if the Pens hadn’t shot it into Biron’s chest on like four separate outstanding scoring chances. Was Jeff Carter even on the ice that period? We’re on a tight shooting schedule here, so get your head on straight and let’s try it again. Roll cameras…Pens/Flyers Playoff game take two…aaaaannnnddd…action!

Flyers: [Play Second Period]

Director: CUTJesusCHRISTTT!!! Are you trying to give me a heart attack then rip my heart out and attack me with it making it also literally a literal heart attack?? Why was Braydon Coburn pinching down to the hashmarks in the offensive zone when the puck wasn’t even on his half of the ice? Tyler Kennedy came in, walked to the center and scored completely untouched! Look, just ignore those directions I gave at the beginning, because you’re acting like a… acting like…I mean, you know you’re supposed to play hockey with those sticks, not piss on them, right? I’m not joking — do you actually know this fact? Have you had two consecutive competent shifts? I mean, Richards hit some posts at the end of the period there but they were still barely even scoring chances, and they gave you absolutely no momentum. You scored 267 goals this season — how are Jordan Staal, Chris Kunitz, and Matt Cooke better than EVERYONE on your team, on both ends of the ice? You got one more chance, at least make this thing a game. Ready?

Flyers: [Play Third Period]

Director: CUT! Alright, we’re wrapping — I’ll see you again on Friday, and you BETTER start taking this shit seriously. My God.

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