Guide To Interpreting NHL Playoff Injury Rhetoric

Sergei Gonchar practiced with the Penguins today and will be a game-time decision for Game Seven, despite earlier reports that he was “done for the remainder of the playoffs.”

If you’re not familiar with the history of teams ambiguously claiming that certain injured players are “done for the playoffs” when they’re clearly not too injured to eventually return, just refer to this handy guide to help you interpret the true meaning of NHL Playoff injury rhetoric:

1. If a team says a player is “questionable for tonight’s game,” they’re fine and will play in tonight’s game.

2. If a team says a player is “done for the playoffs,” they’ll be out for 1-3 games and triumphantly return.

3. If a team says a player has “died,” and faxed photos and fingerprints of the dead body to the player’s next of kin, they’ll be out for 2-4 games and triumphantly return.

4. If a team physically decapitates its own player in front of millions of onlookers live on Oprah outside the MGM Grand in Vegas to prove that the player is, in fact, actually dead and not going to play for the rest of the playoffs or do anything ever again in life, it means that the player has been involved in an elaborate Criss Angel stunt and will triumphantly return for the next game.

5. If a team says that a player is “healthy,” they are immortal.

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