GAME FOUR: Pens 4, Red Wings 2 — Did Jeff Goldblum Sneak An ID4 Virus Into The Red Wing Computer?

I thought for sure we’d see Pavel Datsyuk tonight, and I was wrong, but I did also think for sure we’d see the Pens score three goals in five minutes in the second period including a shorthander and two warmup-drill-looking tic-tac-toe one-timers through a bewildered Red Wings defense, and I was correct on that prediction, so we’ll call it even. The highlights and the low-highlights of the series equalizer:

Fleury came to play for the second straight game. Of the two goals he did allow, the first came off an unusual braincramp giveaway by Rob Scuderi, who was apparently just jealous of Hal Gill appearing in all the Red Wings highlights, and the other came while Bill Guerin — a winger who should never be as low in his own zone as he was even if he was trying to cover someone, which he wasn’t — screened the crap out of him. My brother suggested that Guerin suffered from a senile lapse and thought he was in the offensive zone, which isn’t as funny as it is probably just completely accurate. I’m going to temper any Fleury praise until the series is over, though, because every time I begin to praise him on this blog, he turns around and craps in my hat (literally – it’s super uncalled for). So for the time being, I’ll just say “U SUCK MAF!! Y R U SO BAD A BABY CUOLD PLAY GOOD GOAL BETTER THAN U U SUCKKKKXX!!!!!!”

Malkin is playing in some other ethereal dimension where the rules that bind mortal hockey players do not apply. I’ve said it before, but he really creates scoring chances as though he’s running a practice drill and the defending team is intentionally backing off a little so the goalie gets to face a quality shot. Ever since I started this site, our faithful banner representative has taken his game to another level; I’m not saying my blog is the only reason for this, just the most important one.

— The refereeing was spotty but didn’t seem to favor either side; Versus showed a replay of the Pens appearing to go offsides on the sequence that ended with their first goal, and the first Kronwall tripping penalty on Malkin wasn’t a trip (though he got away with an uncalled interference seconds earlier). The refs also missed a pretty obvious Matt Cooke interference penalty, then didn’t call anything on Detroit in the second or third until the hook on Kunitz while their net was empty, ignoring, among other things, a laughably deliberate Kirk Maltby stick-jab on Crosby well away from the play. I vote to replace the buzzterm “New NHL” with “Just Whatever The Hell”.

— I don’t know who keeps the “Giveaways” stat, but apparently the Red Wings only turned the puck over six times last night. Can someone check and make sure the Giveaways tracker didn’t have a heart attack and die halfway through the first period?

— For all the credit Zetterberg’s gotten for shutting down Crosby in this series, do people realize that Zetterberg, Detroit’s best player, also only has one goal in this series, and it came off the lucky Gonchar poke-check that went right to him in Game Three? It’s not like Crosby’s being shut down by Jeff Halpern while the Red Wings’ superstars are roaming free during their other shifts.

— I think I gave up on saying both “how bout a shorthanded goal right here?” and “I hope Jordan Staal bangs one in” sometime during the Flyers series, and having both occur on one play completely 180’d Game Four. Almost as motivating as Max Talbot getting pummeled.

Satan’s gone back to being Satan. Figured that joyride wouldn’t last forever. Or for more than that one breakaway.

— Despite the Red Wings’ uncharacteristically chaotic  second period, they still finished this game with 39 shots on goal. The Penguins didn’t dominate this game nearly as badly as some commentators appeared to be suggesting after the fact, postulating (probably correctly) that Detroit appears a bit worn down by the rough series schedule. Nonetheless, expect a completely blank slate for Saturday’s game, especially after the Wings players download updated defensive adjustment programs into their brains from the Babcock central computer.

— The key to victory for the Pens in this series? Shutting down Abdelkader.

— I wonder how many ‘Burghers during the Crosby to Tyler Kennedy goal yelled out “shauuuttt it – SHAUUUUT IT!!! – SHAAUUYEAAAHHHHHH!!!!” I estimate ten million.

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One Response to “GAME FOUR: Pens 4, Red Wings 2 — Did Jeff Goldblum Sneak An ID4 Virus Into The Red Wing Computer?”

  1. Steph Says:

    the most amazing thing about your commentaries…how incredibly accurate they are. i, too, gave up on the shorthanded goal/staal needs to do something comments. thankfully, the reffing wasn’t completely biased, unfortunately, we’re going to hear how the refs let the pens slide on so many calls, like i heard when they got away with too many men on the ice. let’s count how many penalties detroit avoids vs. then pens. love reading your blog.

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