Derian Hatcher Retires; Will Stay With Flyers As Slow, Injured Assistant Coach

37-year-old Flyers defenseman Derian Hatcher has retired, and, following a lengthy, jubilant celebration by Paul Holmgren’s salary-cap managers, the Flyers have asked Hatcher to remain with the organization as an assistant coach.

Among Hatcher’s chief responsibilities as coach will be helping players not adjust to the new up-tempo NHL, elbowing people in practice when the head coach isn’t looking, and teaching his defensemen how to cross-check a teenage superstar in the mouth and knock his teeth out, then when he complains to the ref about the lack of a penalty call, to appeal to the league’s collective jealousy of that player to brand him as a “whiner” for the remainder of his career despite any future evidence to the contrary.

In case you didn’t catch that subtle reference, I was talking about Rico Fata.


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