Penguins Agree To Donate $2 Million To Elderly Bearded Man

Bill Guerin Playoff BeardIn an act of admirable charity, Penguins GM Ray Shero announced that the team would donate two million dollars next year to a nice elderly bearded man.

“Mr. Guerin is just one of those old fellas you just love to have around,” Shero said. “Everyone treats him politely, he calls everyone ‘whipper-snapper’ and it’s kind of funny, the children love to tug on his beard and make wishes… so we just said, what the hey, we got a couple mil lyin’ around, let’s keep ’em!”

Butserrrriouslyfolkzzz… Not a bad deal for the Pens. It gives them a right-handed shooter who can one-time the puck and theoretically finish, and despite turning 39 this coming November, he’s played 77, 81, and 78 games the past three regular seasons, so he’s reliably durable. The deal is for only one year and only $2 million (cheaper than Satan was this past season) which gives the Pens a known quantity who’s capable of playing responsibly on a top line at a price far cheaper than any other respectable UFA winger would’ve cost the team.

By contrast, the Devils signed Brian Rolston — who is only two and a half years younger than Guerin — to a four year, $20 million deal last offseason, and he finished with only 15 goals to Guerin’s 21. This doesn’t necessarily justify the Guerin deal so much as again raise the question, what the hell were the Devils thinking? They’re normally so annoyingly shrewd; the Rolston deal was their version of the straight-arrow nerd finally deciding to drink one night, doing way too many shots way too early, then blacking out at 8:30 face-down inside a beehive. But I digress.

Another one-year winger deal from Shero, eh? If you love one-year deals for wingers so much then why don’t you MARRY a one-year deal for a winger (for one year)??? High five.


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One Response to “Penguins Agree To Donate $2 Million To Elderly Bearded Man”

  1. Pittsburgh Fan Says:

    I love the pic of Guerin with the stiches above the eye … what a badass!! I am going to get t-shirts printed with that image on the front … REVOLUTION!!

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