Early NHL Free Agency Moves = BOOOORING

C’mon, NHL, we’re almost two hours into free agency and nothing completely retarded has happened yet — I’m on the verge of almost having to do some work here! Let’s pick things up.

Tuesday’s moves so far:

— Canucks re-sign the Sedin Twins for 5 years, $30.5 mil apiece. They’re both nice players, but so much for the “staying together” discount — there goes $13 mil of cap space a year for the Canucks, and Henrik’s only ever topped 20 goals once in his career (his 22 this year was a career high). Again, they’re solid top-six forwards, but I also can’t imagine any opposing team entering a playoff series and saying, “Oh man, we’re gonna have to shut down the SEDINS this series — I wish we’d drawn Anaheim instead.”

— Lightning sign Matthias Ohlund for 7 years, $26.25 million. He’s a solid ice time eater, extremely reasonable at a $3.75 mil annual cap hit, and will be the subject of a trillion “mentoring Victor Hedman” pieces in the coming months. Do they really need him to mentor Hedman for 7 years, until he turns 40? Eh, maybe not, but a relatively safe signing nonetheless. Expect Tampa to do something ridiculous to immediately revoke this shred of sanity.

— Panthers re-sign Radek Dvorak for 2 years, $3.4 million. Notable only as a reminder that he is not yet playing in Europe.

— Maple Leafs sign ex-Rangers enforcer Colton Orr for 4 years, $4 million. I imagine Ray Shero has nightmares about having goons locked up for four seasons…

— Panthers re-sign David Booth for 6 years, $25.5 million. Expect those “Booth” Panthers jerseys to come flying off the shelf this afternoon. Yes, shelf — there’s only one.

With Tampa’s hands cap-tied, I’m looking at Los Angeles or Edmonton to do something ridiculous and get this day rolling. Nik Antropov for 5 years, $28 million, anyone? Please??

Stay tuned for further updates from Elvis Has Left, literally the only place covering sports on the internet or elsewhere.

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