Oh man, this may be my favorite ridiculous Post-Gazette Q&A submission ever. A concerned Bucco fan writes into Bob Smizik’s Blog, asking:
One concern I do have that I have not seen addressed is the potential negative influence Milledge will be on Andrew McCutchen. I think it is beyond dispute that Milledge is a bad character. He has established this already. The best anyone can seem to say in his defense is he is “immature.” That may be an excuse at 18 or 19, but it rings hollow at 24. Have the Pirates considered what impact his presence may have on McCutchen? I know McCutchen seems like a solid young man, but Milledge makes me nervous.
– Jeff “Not Racist At All” Cohen [Ed Note: I’m guessing on the nickname]
My answer to Jeff: LASTINGS MILLEDGE WILL DEFINITELY TURN ANDREW MCCUTCHEN EVIL. DEFINITELY.
McCutchen will walk into a locker room one day and Milledge will be sitting there, smoking a bowl, bein’ all bad charactery, and McCutchen will be like “oop, sorry, I didn’t realize you were busy!” and Milledge will be like, “Yo man, you wanna try some of this stuff? It’ll make you FLY. All the cool kids are doin’ it.”
And McCutchen will be like “I don’t know, I’ve heard a lot of things about drugs and I’m just so confused, plus I have to go study my fielding assignments…” and Milledge will be like “Aw, come on, we’re both black guys with dreads who are around the same age and thus influence one another — why don’t you stop being nice and hustling and turn all evil like me?”
And McCutchen will take the weed from his hand in slo-motion, after school special style, take one hit, and his head will start swirling and a montage of all his friends and family laughing at him in creepy deep-voiced slo-mo will happen and then he’ll shout “NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!” then the next thing he knows he’ll be high-fiving fans in the outfield and performing on a vulgar rap cd and not running out ground balls like David Eckstein who is small and white and just hustles so hard and doesn’t have dreads at all and we love him!!!!!!
Smizik basically answers that it’s highly unlikely. I prefer my answer.