Ripping On Stupid Pirates Fans, Part One Billion

Let’s take a moment to distract ourselves from the abysmal baseball of the Phillies weekend series with my favorite way to cheer myself up instantly: Ripping on comments from some stupid Pirate fans.

Our first Stupid Pirate Fan submission comes from Mike Z. in Bob Smizik’s Blog Q&A, who says, stupidly:

…We have nothing to replace Jack Wilson and Freddy Sanchez (if they are traded). They are the glue in that middle infield.  Yes, we will lose with them or without them, but isn’t there something in baseball called the “integrity of the game”?

…Without those two, and no one to replace them, the team would be a mockery of baseball. To keep some semblance of a halfway competitive team, I really think the commissioner should step in. Someone has to stop Huntington and his team from making a mockery of the game.

I agree! If Bud Selig doesn’t step in and prevent Neal Huntington from acting in what he believes is in the best long-term interests of the Pirates franchise, the team might totally collapse after the trade deadline and tarnish the sport of baseball by going, say, 17-37 for a mockery of a .315 win percentage down the stretch. OH WAIT — that’s exactly what the team did last year, including a not-mocking-baseball-at-all 2-and-14 run in mid-August when Jack Wilson and Freddy Sanchez were both healthy and playing every day.

No one is advocating trading Sanchez and Wilson for nothing, and I agree that there’s a long-term positive to be gained by keeping a defensively sound middle infield behind the current pitching staff, even if those guys won’t be here in a couple years, but still, the idea that trading Freddy Sanchez and Jack Wilson would plunge the current Pirates team into an unparalleled realm of baseball integrity-tarnishing worthy of intervention from the commissioner is, because I don’t feel like typing the F-word in all caps a bunch of times, just really stupid.

The Washington Nationals have a frickin’ .299 win percentage and a payroll around 20% higher than the Pirates’ — why isn’t Bud Selig stepping in and making them have more integrity???? They’re making a mockery of baseball by being a bad baseball team! Abner Doubleday is literally spinning around in his grave.

And for the record, even if the Pirates deal Sanchez and Wilson, I’d take my chances with Charlie Morton and Ross Ohlendorf pitching in front of an empty middle infield over last season’s Jason Davis / Yoslan Herrera / Whoever The Hell lobbing beachballs over the plate (or seven feet wide of the plate, depending on the outing).

I do agree with Mike that Jack Wilson is definitely the Pirates’ “glue,” in as much as he gets on base about as often as a bottle of Elmer’s Glue-All would.

Our next dose of stupid comes from concerned fan KeithJFro on Smizik’s post about the Pirates losing 110 games next year (also in itself quite stupid). While I hesitate to cherry-pick one internet comment and rip on it, I feel that this meaningless anger sums up the feelings of a significant portion of the Pirates’ fanbase:

The only winning the Nutting’s care about is in their bank account.

Their plan is simple, keep a low payroll, tease the few remaining fans they have left that they want to win by signing guys like Bay, McClouth, and Sanchez to new contracts but when the big money years approach, trade them before they make it.

Just stop going to games people.  If you don’t change your spending habits. Neither will the Nutting’s.


How many times do we have to go over this, people? Did you all just get Men In Black flashy-thinged? Cause there’s no way you can follow the Pirates avidly and still make this statement with a straight face.


The Pirates don’t have the talent to win right now, as evidenced by their four consecutive seasons of extremely not-winning with Bay, Sanchez, and later McLouth as the core of the team. If you stick with those guys despite overwhelming evidence that the team clearly isn’t ready to compete, only two things can happen:

1) The Pirates continue to have the exact same results they’ve had for four straight years, and Bay, Sanchez, and McLouth continue growing older, more expensive, worse, and rapidly lose trade value.

Or, 2) After four years of sucking, the Pirates miraculously start winning when Bay, Sanchez, and McLouth all suddenly get better in their thirties, as players never do (except Raul Ibanez and a bunch of steroidy dudes). The Pirates then win the World Series when their ace, a magical leprechaun who rides a unicorn, throws three perfect games against the Yankess, and Bay hits a Series-ending grand slam to score Sanchez, McLouth, and a pixie who mystically emerged from a rainbow to win the starting third base job in Spring Training.

I personally believe outcome #1 is slightly more plausible, and while I’m not totally ruling out that #2 could have happened, I’m also completely certain that it definitely would not have happened, based on the facts of everything.

This concludes today’s Ripping On Stupid Pirate Fans segment — stay tuned for plenty more of the exact same questions (hopefully with some “5 year plan” complaints) with the trade deadline in the very near future!


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One Response to “Ripping On Stupid Pirates Fans, Part One Billion”

  1. Luke Says:

    That’s the best thing you can do in your life is complain about pirates fans!!! Grow some balls!!!!

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