Devils Re-Hire Jacques Lemaire In Diabolical Plan To Lure Malkin To Sleep


Jacques Lemaire is returning for a second stint as coach of the New Jersey Devils.

Contract terms were not disclosed but the 63-year-old Lemaire said he intends to coach at least two seasons.

“But in reality,” interjected GM Lou Lamoriello, “I’m gonna fire him or have him shadily resign waaaaay before that. Maybe before the end of this season, even. I must feast on blood to sustain my undead existence. Oops, kept talking there, my bad.”

“I’ve heard a lot of ex-coaches say often that it is really hard to get out of this because we love the game and it is exciting and it’s fun,” Lemaire said.

“Come to think of it,”Lemaire added, “I’m not really sure what they mean with that ‘fun and exciting’ part, unless they’re talking about the ‘fun’ of screaming at four out of five interchangably average players to backcheck vigoriously as soon as we have a one-goal lead.”

Lemaire went on, “I’m just gonna get my team to buy into a simple acronym — D-E-V-I-L-S. D stands for “Defense,” E stands for “Even More Defense,” V stands for “Very Responsible Defense,” I stands for “I Always Remember To Play Defense,” L stands for “Less Defense Is What I Do Not Want To Play,” and S stands for “Seriously You Guys, Play A Lot Of Defense.”


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