Wild 4, Penguins 3: Who Loves The Funk?

Not much question where the Pens are right now:

Last night’s pathetic 4-3 loss to Minnesota featured all the wonderful recurring themes of the Pens’ current extended slump / sucking (henceforth to be referred to as “suckmp”):

— Another crap goal let in by Fleury.

Malkin continues to be distressingly mediocre night in and night out. Even though he still creates consistent impossible turnovers, he currently has 13 goals on the season, tying him for 58th in the NHL with marquee names like Rich Peverley, Matt Duchene, and Raffi Torres. If you woke up Jodie Foster’s Nell at four in the morning and asked her what’s wrong with the Penguins, even though she has no concept of hockey, society, or the English language, she’d be like “Obviously Malkin has to play better. Chickapaaayyy!!!”

— There are no more words in the English language to describe the Pens’ power play. It literally defies description. So I’ll make some words up. The Penguins power play right now is fucking bleexnorff.

— Excluding the forgettable ’05-’06 season, I can’t recall a game in which Gonchar appeared to give less of a shit; he didn’t skate hard all game, he got completely knocked off the puck on the Marty Havlat goal and made literally no effort to skate back into the play to mitigate the 3-on-1 (I rewound this twice and couldn’t believe it), he continued to lackadaisically quarterback the league’s most mind-bogglingly terrible power play, and as a shitty cherry on top of his sundae of shit, he took a pointless 5-minute major with 10 minutes left in the third, which didn’t result in any Wild goals but cut the Pens’ potential comeback time in half.

Alex Goligoski remained uninspiring defensively as well; he’s shown absolutely no presence in front of the Pens’ net, constantly allowing the exact second and third chance opportunities that the Pens’ offense are desperate to see maybe once a week.

— The Penguins outshot Minnesota 38-24 for the game, including 16-8 in the second period (during which they were outscored 2-1). Minnesota never really controlled this game for any extended period, other than after the Gonchar major penalty that they still failed to score on. Well, that is, no one dominated except Guillaume “The Golden Great One” Latendresse.

Other random observations:

Ben Lovejoy only played 13:10 of ice time and McKee got just 12:47, versus Alex Goligoski’s 21:05. Not that Lovejoy and McKee were tearing it up defensively, but with Goligoski’s visible struggles and still very recent injury, I would’ve expected Orpik’s ice time to be divvied out more equally.

— If Guerin’s pass on the Dupuis goal hadn’t worked, Penguins fans would’ve driven to Mellon Arena, turned the electricity on, entered the building and taken their seats, and all yelled “SHOOT IT” in unison.

— Canadiens GM Bob Gainey should already be on the hot seat for his expensive team of ok little dudes who have no chance of winning a playoff series, but he’s only gonna look worse after trading away Latendresse, who is now the NHL’s all-time leading scorer after last night’s game.

— Pens go to Calgary Wendesday night. More pathetically optimistic quotes from the players about how “we just need to get some points out of this road trip” and you wondering to yourself “wait, aren’t teams supposed to be scared of playing us?” forthcoming.

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2 Responses to “Wild 4, Penguins 3: Who Loves The Funk?”

  1. k Says:

    “– Ben Lovejoy only and McKee got just 12:47, versus Alex Goligoski’s 21:05. Not that Lovejoy and McKee were ”

    guh?

  2. Dan Hopper Says:

    No idea what happened to that paragraph, got like 2/3 deleted. Fixed through the magic of computers.

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