NHL Trade Deadline Review: Golden Gods And Worthless Pieces Of Crap

Thursday after the NHL Trade Deadline: The day every hockey site on the internet issues their Deadline “Winners and Losers” or “Deadline Report Cards,” always qualifying the lists with the standard admission “We won’t really know who the real winners are for months or years to come…” but proceeding with the gimmicky analysis nonetheless.

It’s true that some of the trades can’t be definitively analyzed the day after they occur, and the majority of the trades are too inconsequential to even merit either team being dubbed a “winner” or “loser”, but who wants to read a level-headed, non-kneejerk, middle-of-the-road writeup about a bunch of third-line wingers getting traded for draft picks? The answer is that no one [effing] does.

That’s why, instead of backing down from a Deadline Winners/Losers column, I’m taking an even more extreme step and naming my Trade Deadline GOLDEN GODS and WORTHLESS PIECES OF CRAP, i.e., teams that will definitely win the Cup because of their deadline pickups versus teams that will plunge into a ten-year pall of defeat because of their actions at the deadline. NO IN-BETWEENS. Let’s get started.


Phoenix – Added F Wojtek Wolski, F Lee Stempniak, D Mathieu Schneider, D Derek Morris, F Alexandre Picard, G Miika Wiikman, F Petteri Nokelainen

So many dudes!!! Wojtek Wolski is a top-tier talent with 30-goal potential who needs a change of scenery, and Derek Morris and Mathieu Schneider are required to get dealt at every trade deadline, so they should bring some solid having-been-traded experience to the Coyotes’ blue line! Phoenix is our first GOLDEN GOD and is now the favorite for the Stanley Cup.

Pittsburgh – Added F Alexei Ponikarovsky, D Jordan Leopold

Awwwww yeahhhhh Alexei Ponikarovsky’s name has been said a lot the last few weeks and now the Pens got him and also they got Jordan Leopold so OUTTA THE WAY conference this team is a DEADLINE GOLDEN GOD and are now the favorite for the Stanley Cup!!!

Anaheim – Added D Lubomir Visnovsky, D Aaron Ward, G Joey MacDonald, G Curtis McElhinney

Lubomir Visnovsky is a legit veteran power play specialist who can take the reigns from Scott Niedermayer when he retires, and Aaron Ward is veteran veteran veteran Cup! Two more goalies and moving Vesa Toskala’s contract? The stuff of GOLDEN GODS. Anaheim has just won the Stanley Cup.


Washington – Added D Joe Corvo, D Milan Jurcina, F Eric Belanger, F Scott Walker, C Greg Moore

No goalie?? No top-4 defensive defenseman? What does Joe Corvo bring? Power play Okayness? Picking up Belanger and Walker to address their glaring strength at forward? This team’s a WORTHLESS PIECE OF CRAP that will miss the playoffs.

Calgary – Added G Vesa Toskala, D Steve Staios, D Andy Delmore

Two more defensemen – exactly what the Calgary TONSOFDEFENSEMEN need! That should be their nickname because it’s true! Vesa Toskala?? No secondary scoring?? The Flames are a Deadline WORTHLESS PIECE OF CRAP and should be literally set on fire.

Philadelphia – Added NOTHING

Didn’t even TRY to add another goalie? No veteran defensemen? The Flyers will be crooning “Fly me to the TERRIBLE TRADE DEADLINE” because they’re a Deadline WORTHLESS PIECE OF CRAP whose executives should have their children punched for this debacle.


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