Archive for September, 2010

Pirates Clinch #1 Pick; Huntington Reacts With Super Literal Quote

September 29, 2010

Despite their 7-2 win over the St. Louis Cardinals Tuesday night, the Pirates have officially clinched the #1 overall pick in next year’s MLB Entry Draft.

Neal Huntington, always one to offer concise, super-literal quotes for any occasion, offered this super-literal quote:

“We’ve had two No. 2s already and, in our minds, it’s no different except that we’re able to pick out the guy we want a little earlier than usual.”

Well said! That is a literal fact that is true.

When asked about who the Pirates’ closer will be in 2011, Huntington replied, “In our minds, the 9th inning is no different than the 8th except it happens 9th and the game ends after it.”

He then added, “I’m looking forward to a busy October, which in our minds is no different than September except it happens one month later and also Halloween happens in it.”


My Photoshoppy NFL Week 3 Recap

September 28, 2010

Once again, Elvis Has Left reader (readers?), I’ve prioritized my time towards the blog that actually pays me, so if you’re dying for my football insight, my NFL Week 3 Recap in the form of stupid Photoshopped pictures can be read here:

Canadiens Fans Out-Canadiens-Fans Themselves, Boo Carey Price In Preseason

September 23, 2010

We knew Montreal fans were gonna boo the crap out of Carey Price this season and it would be hilarious, I just didn’t expect it to happen until, I don’t know, the second preseason game?


Sometimes it seems like it doesn’t take much for the Bell Centre crowd in Montreal to either give a raucous standing ovation or let loose with merciless booing [This is a half-truth – Ed.], and it was the latter that rained down upon goaltender Carey Price during the Canadiens’ first pre-season game on Wednesday night.

Price allowed four goals on eight shots in a 4-2 loss to the Boston Bruins, causing fans to jeer him as he was replaced by backup Curtis Sanford midway through the game.

“Relax, chill out, we have lots of time. We’re not winning the Stanley Cup on the first exhibition game,” he said. “I don’t know what (the fans’) message was but I don’t think it’s the correct way to go about things.”

Sure, Carey Price struggled, but it’s still the Preaseason. He always steps it up in the Regular–um, well, he steps it up in the Playo–errr, no, well, he… I mean… he’s… a nice… yeah.

James Harrison Fined: NOOOOOOO!!!

September 22, 2010

James Harrison was fined $5,000 for his weird “bodyslam” hit on Vince Young Sunday, which seems justifiable, even though a penalty wasn’t called on the play.

The funniest part of the article? This sentence:

Asked Wednesday after practice if the hit was worth paying the fine, Harrison said “No!”

“No!” With an exclamation point? So he actually yelled the word “NO” at Ed Bouchette?

Did he say it like this?

Steelers 19, Titans 11: Eleven Points? Let’s Step It Up Here, Defense

September 20, 2010

I had to DVR the Steelers’ Week 2 game against Tennessee and ended up watching it in the early evening, fast-forwarding commercials and in between plays, and perhaps because of this accelerated pace in addition to the actual game goings-on, nothing in this game felt real to me. If I had been watching it at a normal pace, with ample time in between each turnover to high-five friends and celebrate, maybe it would’ve been exciting, but watching every other play Tennessee attempted result in a turnover then witnessing another one three minutes later again and again was so just so far beyond surreal, my enthusiasm was tempered by my ongoing bewilderment. Did Dick LeBeau type in the NFL Blitz “Every Play Results In A Turnover” code? Because if he did, that’s super cheap. Though I waaaas awfully suspicious that James Harrison had a giant Bill Clinton head.

Now that I’ve mostly convinced myself that the game actually did occur, we have to state the obvious: The Steelers’ D did literally as much as a defense can possibly do to win a game for a team. Well, not literally, they could’ve forced eight turnovers, and for that I’m sure they lost some sleep. But seriously, a team that’s +3 in turnovers wins more than 90% of the time in NFL games, so I imagine a team that goes +6 in turnovers wins — lemmie do the math here real quick — ERROR UNDEFINED % of the time. My computer’s calculator gives an error when you divide “6” by “Yes seriously The Steelers were +6 in turnovers and still needed to make a stand on the last drive to prevent a tie game.” Since when can you not type smartass sentence-long comments into calculators and have the calculators use them to make calculations? I swear I saw something about that during one of the commercials I fast-forwarded. Or it might have been Dr. Pepper.

Bottom line, the Steelers are 2-0 heading into their Week 3 matchup at Tampa. Uhoh, might be Byron Leftwich’s highly-anticipated return against the Buccaneers! QUICK – FLEX IT! FLEX IT! Oop, the fictional executive who was yelling “Flex It” just got fired.

The Steelers are opening as 2.5 point favorites, even without a starting quarterback named for Sunday. Though really, as a gambler, don’t you feel a lot safer betting on the Steelers when you don’t know definitively that you’re laying your money on Charlie Batch or a hobbled Leftwich? We do know that Josh Freeman is gonna be starting for Tampa, and we also know who’s gonna be starting for the Steeler defense. If I throw a wad of bills at this blog post, does that count as betting on the Steelers?

Will Sidney Crosby Make The Penguins’ Roster?

September 18, 2010

I know Crosby’s the go-to interview for everything ever, but is he really the best player to headline an article about the competition for roster spots at Penguins training camp?

Let the battle for jobs begin!!! There’s 12 forwards signed to NHL contracts, Sidney, so you better turn some heads in training camp.

NFL Week 2 FakeBets

September 16, 2010

I hate gambling on sports, because no matter how good you think you are at it, things always end up out of your hands and you’re inevitably reduced to sitting idly by while your money floats away in the midst of an infuriating circumstance you otherwise wouldn’t have cared anything about (come ON, Jaguars! COVER!!!!!)

But you know what I hate slightly less? Typing out some picks on a website and not losing any actual money when those picks turn out to be stupid (and boy, will they ever!)

Starting this week, I will now place several fake bets on NFL games each week in order to test my prognosticating skillz, as well as to gauge how well I would have done if I were some theoretical highrolling gambling addict. I’ll be using the Thursday point spreads from, and betting on a 1-1 return ratio, losing my money if the spread is an exact tie. Also, I will be betting billions of dollars, because in this fantasy, I am a trillionaire.

My NFL Week 2 FakeBets:

$1 billion on Kansas City (+2 at CLEVELAND) – KC’s defense played outstandingly in Week One (though some of that can be likely attributed to the raucous home crowd), and even though the offense struggled, they should be able to run the ball against the Browns. Two points is insignificant, but I thought the Chiefs would be favored in this game, so I’ll take ’em.

$2 billion on GREEN BAY (-13 vs Buffalo) – Miami’s a solid team, and the Bills played them close at home in Week One, but this one has “14-0 the second time it scrolls by on the ticker” written all over it. I also don’t foresee Aaron Rodgers passing up a chance to pad his stats in a season where every writer is looking for any excuse to toss him the MVP Award.

$1 billion on Miami (+5.5 at MINNESOTA) – Minnesota looked all kinds of off against the Saints in their Thursday opener, likely because Brett Favre has an injured ankle and threw 7 passes this offseason and their best receiver is out for half the year. While a return to the Vikodome (anyone call it that? no?) should bolster the O a bit, their passing problems extended far beyond the Saints’ D and riled-up home crowd, and they were completely ineffective when the Saints adjusted and started covering Visanthe Shiancoe. I don’t have the guts to say Miami will win outright, but they’ve been masters at exploiting opponents’ weaknesses under Tony Sparano (remember the Saints game last year they almost pulled off?) and can definitely keep this game within 5 1/2 points.

$1 billion on DALLAS (-7.5 vs Chicago) – A number of prominent 0-1 teams seem to have inflated lines this week, with Vegas likely banking on bettors assuming that teams like the Cowboys can’t possibly start off 0-2. 7 1/2 points seems awfully high for a team that managed just 7 total points in their opener, but I just don’t see any way Chicago wins this game on the road, and one or two home run plays by the Dallas O might be enough to settle this.

$2 billion on INDIANAPOLIS (-5.5 vs NY Giants) – The Colts, unlike Dallas, do not appear to have one of those “0-1 team” inflated lines, as -5.5 seems slightly reasonable for Peyton Manning at home in a night game against a team with a shaky secondary. The Colts did allow 790 rushing yards to Houston last week, which can’t be overlooked, but I’m fighting my urge to lazily declare “you know the Mannings are gonna play each other close” and trying to be level-headed about this one, taking the enticingly obvious pick.

SUICIDE POOL PICK: Green Bay. (Survived with Miami last week. Spot the pattern?)

That’s it for the week. I’m not betting on the Steeler game, because I would pick Tennessee, but they’re -5 and I know they’d end up still winning but not covering and I’d be pissed twice (much more so about the game outcome than my newly-created blog feature being wrong. But I don’t need anything to compound my impending frustration.)

NEWS IN BR…F: Wednesday, September 15, 2010

September 15, 2010

  • Jets Fail To Back Up Sexual Boasts

  • Bush Forfeits Heisman For “Teammates,” Bunch Of Illegal Stuff He Did

  • Padres’ Gonzalez: “We Know We Can Blow This”

  • Packers Forget To Pick Up Brandon Jackson In Fantasy

  • NFL Insists Overturned Calvin Johnson TD Was “Retarded But Correct”

Ovechkin, McNabb Team Up For The Capital One Commercial After Tomorrow

September 14, 2010

Sports stars appear in local commercials all the time, but this D.C. area Capital One ad featuring Alex Ovechkin and Donovan McNabb seems a little derivative — A local ad where the athletes each deliver one line horribly, causing you to wonder why they didn’t just hire actors for one one-thousandth the cost and have the commercial be much less ridiculous? That is OUR turf, dammit.

(via Puck Daddy)

My Plan Is To Not Ever Have Sex With Christina Hendricks

September 14, 2010

Can you really call something your “plan” when it’s absolutely your only option?

GM: No plans to trade Mike Ribeiro

TRAVERSE CITY, Mich. — Dallas Stars general manager Joe Nieuwendyk ended months of speculation, telling center Mike Ribeiro that the plan is for him to stay with the team.

Ribeiro, whose production dropped last season after having led the Stars in scoring in both 2007-08 and 2008-09, had been a fixture of the NHL trade rumor mill this offseason.

“I reassured him that I have no intentions of moving him,” Nieuwendyk said. “I think he was worried about it. There was speculation out there that he was going to be moved any day.

“We the Dallas Stars have decided that we would absolutely love to keep Mike Ribeiro on our team, a decision that has nothing to do with shopping him really really hard this past offseason and realizing that no team in their right mind would trade anything to take on the remaining 3 years and $15 mil on the contract of a 30-year-old forward coming off a 19-goal season in which he missed 16 games. That is the plan that we have decided, and boy oh boy are we excited by it.”

In a related story, Rangers GM Glen Sather has announced that the Rangers’ plan for the foreseeable future is to not trade Wade Redden and his remaining 4-year, $6.5 mil annual cap hit.