Good News! Pens Not Suicidal After 1-3 Start

How are the Penguins reacting to their 0-3 start at home? They’re hopelessly suicidal, right? I know I am. Time to fill the morning skate Gatorade dispenser with arsenic so it’s quick and painless and…

WAIT! Oh thank God:

The Penguins are still confident! Whew. The Eastern Conference Favorites are not totally packing it in after their 1-3 start.

Not to rip on Shelly Anderson (actually, yeah, exactly to rip on Shelly Anderson), but no team in the history of sports has ever admitted to not being confident.

Obviously the Penguins’ confidence isn’t shattered after 4 games of a 650 game season, and even if it were, they wouldn’t straight-up admit it to a hometown reporter. Even in the most hopeless situations, all sports teams remain outwardly confident, even if it’s a facade, and regurgitating vague locker room quotes to that effect does not constitute insightful journalism or anything worth reading.

Imagine seeing these headlines:

“Patriots: Oh crap, Brady’s done for the year! Screw this, we’re playing for a draft pick”

“Down 3-0 in series, Red Sox clubhouse cites near mathematical certainty of impending elimination”

“Team with Sidney Frickin’ Crosby on it believes season is over with 78 games remaining”

I know the P-G has to fill space with Penguin articles even after moderately uneventful off-days, but come on, “Penguins Still Confident”? Someone with no concept of what hockey or penguins are could’ve written this article in their sleep.

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