Archive for May, 2011

Flames Name Aptly-Named Feaster Permanent GM

May 16, 2011

I realize I’m twelve, but I can’t be the only person amused that Calgary’s GM is named Jay Feaster and he looks like this:

Calgary named Feaster, the former Tampa GM who was acting as the Flames’ interim GM, as their permanent General Manager after they determined he was the candidate most likely to eat Alex Tanguay and Olli Jokinen, thus solving numerous problems simultaneously and painlessly.


NEWS IN BR…F: Monday, May 16th, 2011

May 16, 2011

  • Crosby Still Unable To Work Out, Clean Room, Do Dishes

  • Fiesta Bowl Pays NCAA $1 Million In Small, Unmarked Bills

  • McLane Sells Astros, Quickly Calls “No Givebacks”

  • Source: Posada Unhappy With Yankees’ Unhappiness With Jeter’s “Posada Unhappy” Comments

  • Thrashers President: “We Will Explore All Options Of Roads Heading Out Of Atlanta”
  • Nice Of The Reporter To Replace The Term “Constantly Hyperblowing”

    May 11, 2011

    NEWS IN BR…F: Tuesday, May 10, 2011

    May 10, 2011

  • World Cup Bribery Allegations “Completely False” Says FIFA Official’s Golden Robot Butler

  • Reggie Bush Causes Stir On Twitter With Too-Obvious “Osama Death Certificate” Joke

  • Haynesworth Physically Unable To Complete Sexual Abuse

  • LeBron Apologizes For “R-Word” Comment, Says He Meant To Use N-Word

  • Waivers Release Milton Bradley
  • Huge Twist: Modano Returning To Stars Tonight

    May 10, 2011

    They’ve since changed it, but for about 10 minutes, had this headline on their homepage:

    Wow, Mike Modano’s returning to the Stars? Tonight?? Mid-playoffs??? Anything really can happen in the postseason.

    To fill Modano’s roster spot, Gerard Gallant will be returning to the Red Wings.

    Here Is Exactly What Will Happen In The Pirates / Astros Series

    May 6, 2011

    My friend Dave and I had a GChat conversation about the upcoming Pirates/Astros series, agreeing that it’s definitely going to be the annual “Pirates could take 2 of 3 here and get to .500”-seeming series that the Pirates will definitely, DEFINITELY blow.

    Rather than summarize our soon-to-be-painfully-accurate points, I’ve just copied and pasted the GChat conversation in its entirety, because I am a hard worker:

    Dave: we’ve got 3 home games against Houston
    and there’s no reason not to think we could be .500 by next Monday
    above .500 i meant

    Me: letdown time?

    Dave: YEP
    letdown time
    its a layup

    Me: I think you’re right
    Wandy Rodriguez / Bud Norris first two games
    there’s 18 Ks

    Dave: I could see that absolutely
    both K guys

    Me: then JA Happ who they should beat but something will fuck up
    two lefties too, so might be some Brandon Wood 3B action
    god, Wood or Pedro vs Wandy Rodriguez is like 99% chance of K either way

    Dave: if things go as planned, they’ll drop the first, then win the second and Happ should be shoe-in for .500
    and they’ll drop that one 5 – 1
    haha ya it is man

    Me: yes!
    and they’ll get a run off Happ in the first, leave two on base
    then he’ll go six innings
    and someone who I make fun of in the Houston lineup will have a three run double
    like Geoff Blum or something

    Dave: i mean its almost as easy as figuring out the plot to a romantic comedy
    run off happ in the first is PERFECT
    almost like a dude accidentally sneezing on the stranger woman he’s about to fall in love with in the standard rom com

    Me: haha

    Dave: as an added teaser to this bet, I’ll lay odds that it will be a ‘beautiful day for baseball’ on sunday
    75 and sunny

    Me: and a good PNC Park turnout

    Dave: they’ll get a nice crowd
    same thought

    Me: there is no doubt this is happening
    save this convo

    Dave: i’ll have my assistant log it

    Me: PAM!
    jot this down

    Dave: “Got it… 1 – 1 split, lotta K’s, big crowd…. umm sorry was it supposed to be good weather on Sunday or a good crowd??”
    “BOTH PAM, BOTH!!!”

    Me: haha

    Dave: i want my role to be played by ed asner

    Not Worst Steelers News Of The Week: Hines Ward Pulled Over And Handcuffed

    May 5, 2011


    Pittsburgh Steelers superstar Hines Ward was removed from a vehicle at gunpoint by LAPD officers and placed in handcuffs this morning in L.A. — but he was NOT arrested … TMZ has learned.

    The “Dancing with the Stars” contestant was a passenger in a Honda Civic around 2 AM … when LAPD officers flipped on their lights and sirens and pulled the car over.

    Law enforcement sources tell us cops had run the license plate and noticed the car had been reported stolen. We’re told police drew their weapons … and ordered both Hines and the female driver out of the car and placed them both in handcuffs.

    The female driver then explained … SHE was the person who reported the car stolen in the first place after an incident involving a valet. But she got her car back … and forgot to tell cops to call off the alert.

    We’re told the officers verified her story — and eventually let both Hines and the driver leave without further incident. Law enforcement sources tell us Hines was VERY cooperative and understanding about the situation.

    Whew! For a second there, I was gonna be like, “Can we stop doing stupid shit for one week, Steelers?”

    Ward then randomly screamed at the officers, “You know 9/11 never actually happened, right?”

    Ahhhh dammit.

    Penguins Hire A New Coo

    May 3, 2011

    Headlines read a lot funnier when they’re in all caps with no punctuation:

    “Coo” as in, entertaining babies or “Cool” pronounced without the “L”?

    Awww, damn, it’s just “C.O.O.” (pronounced like Cee-Lo, but more executively). I was hoping The Penguins hired a new “Coo,” which would’ve been awesome because that would mean the Penguins have a job called “Coo” and just hired a new person to fill the job that is called “Coo.” I really got my hopes up and had them dashed in a very short window of stuff-taking-a-second-to-think-about. People could’ve addressed him in meetings by saying “Coo’, Coo’…” like rappers if rappers still do that — SUCH a missed opportunity. They still should.

    Also, my instant reaction upon reading the word “Coo” was identical to that of Charlie from It’s Always Sunny when hearing the word “Spa”.

    NEWS IN BR…F: Monday, May 2, 2011

    May 2, 2011

  • Braves’ McDowell Apologizes For “Acting Like A Total Fag”

  • Fan Thinks Player He Watched Once Could Be Draft Sleeper

  • Miguel Cabrera Completes DUI-Free Weekend

  • Falcons Sign Up For Health Class To Pad Draft Grade

  • Yankees Sign Philly Robot Arm To Minor-League Contract