Posts Tagged ‘Glen Sather’

Marian Gaborik’s Twelve-Game Ironman Streak In Jeopardy Following Unforseeable Injury

October 27, 2009

Who could’ve seen this coming?

Gaborik Headline

“That’s why we signed him,” gushed GM Glen Sather. “To make an impact, then get hurt and spend 2-80 weeks away from the team while people keep saying how good the Rangers are gonna be when Gaborik comes back.”

I’m pretty sure “Gaborik scores 2, leaves game with injury” is one of the default headlines whenever someone starts a sports publication. It’s the NHL’s version of the “I’m running late” text message.

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Joe Sakic Announces Retirement; Canadiens Now Rushing To Trade For Him

July 10, 2009

Joe Sakic officially announced his retirement from the NHL after a 20-year career with the Quebec Nordiques/Colorado Avalanche franchise. In response to the news that the aging veteran has deemed himself no longer fit to continue playing professional hockey, the Montreal Canadiens have instantly rushed to trade for the retired forward.

“I know he’s not gonna be playing,” said Canadiens GM Bob Gainey, “But if we can just somehow add Joe Sakic’s gigantic cap hit to our numbers, it would be the perfect culmination to our offseason of ungodly spending.”

Gainey added, “If we can give up a decent young player or two in this deal, all the better. Maybe Louis LeBlanc, the dude we just drafted? Ehh…he’s still pretty untested. Hopefully we can throw in more.”

The Los Angeles Kings are also rumored to be interested in Sakic’s services.

“I don’t care if he plays,” said Kings GM Dean Lombardi. “I don’t even expect Ryan Smyth to be healthy either, quite frankly. But we got a bunch of money lying around, so I was just like, these dudes are veterans, let’s get their names on our roster and they can, I don’t know, lead stuff.”

ESPN’s Scott Burnside reports that the Rangers may also be interested, but their rumored 6-year, $38 mil contract offer to Sakic would put them well over the salary cap, unless they’re able to move Wade Redden to Montreal. GM Glen Sather commented, “It all depends on which totally retarded avenue Montreal decides to go down next, but we’re extremely optimistic.”

The Amusing GM Quotes Keep On Comin’

June 29, 2009

Two more quotes that made me laugh, the first from Ray Shero attempting to compliment Rob Scuderi:

“When I first got here and found out he had a one-way contract, I was like, ‘Are you kidding me?’ ” Shero said. “But he just kept improving. Now, I wish I had signed him for three years instead of two [after the ’06-’07 season for a $1.425 million].” (P-G)

To be fair, “Are you kidding me?” was actually the least angry thing Shero said about any of the things he inherited from Craig Patrick; when he reviewed the Pens’ recent draft history, trade records, and Mellon Arena facilities, he unleashed sentences that included between sixty and seventy F-words apiece.

The next hilarious Free Agency Week GM quote comes from the Master of UFA week (or whatever the opposite of the word ‘Master’ is – ‘dumbass?’), The Rangers’ Glen Sather, ripping on Nik Antropov’s agent for demanding $5 million a year:

“There’s a snowball’s chance in hell that’s going to happen. It’s ridiculous. I hate to criticize an agent, but let’s have a little bit of reality here.” (NY Post)

Sather added, “I mean, who do I look like, current general manager of the New York Rangers Glen Sather? Gimmie a break.”

Rangers Desperately Trying To Start Some Wade Redden Trade Buzz

June 26, 2009

I couldn’t help but laugh at this quote from Maple Leafs GM Brian Burke from Pierre LeBrun’s NHL Draft Blog:

Burke also shot down one rumor that he was trying to acquire Rangers blueliner Wade Redden and his $6.5 million salary. “I don’t know where that got started,” Burke said. “We’re not in discussions on that player.”

The rumor-starter, one New York-based indvidual who has asked to be referred to as “Slen Gather”, responded that Burke is “lying” and is actually “extremely interested in acquiring really awesome not-overpaid seriously you guys defenseman Wade Redden, as are a whole lot of teams. Hoo-eee, you all better hurry up to trade for Wade Redden before someone else takes his salary off our books oops not our books I mean the New York Rangerses books they’re a team I’m not the GM of no sirree but do hear lots of truthful rumors about their really awesome defenseman people. Whew, covered that up nicely. But seriously, trade for him like, now.”

Defending The… Oh God, Gimmie A Sec Here… Defending The… Rangers Trades… OWWWWWW

March 5, 2009

The extremely publicly desperate Rangers made two notable trades at the deadline:

Rangers acquire F Nik Antropov from Maple Leafs for 2009 2nd Round Pick, 2010 Conditional Pick

Rangers acquire D Derek Morris from Coyotes for D Dmitri Kalinin, F Nigel Dawes, F Petr Prucha

You know, as much as I’d love to rip on the Rangers for these deals, I feel like they’re both somewhat logical in the long-term and moderately improve the Rangers for their playoff free fall slowing run.

Kalinin is a legit if unspectacular NHL defenseman, Dawes is a physical third-line presence whose numbers suggest he’s capable of 20 goals over an 82 game season, and Prucha scored 52 goals his first two seasons in the league, though he’s now mostly known for ending a 50-game scoring draught every time he plays the Penguins. However, Kalinin makes $2.1 million and is a UFA at season’s end, and Prucha ($1.6 mil) and Dawes ($588k) are RFAs; assuming the Rangers don’t re-sign Morris or Antropov, and Prucha and Dawes receive RFA raises on their current salaries, the Rangers will have cleared somewhere in the neighborhood of $5-$6 million in badly-needed cap room for 2009-10, which would currently be almost as valuable to the Rangers as the services of the players and draft picks they dealt. And if Prucha suddenly regains his scoring touch on Phoenix’s power play, it’s still no big loss, cause it certainly wasn’t gonna happen while he was playing 9 seconds a game in New York.

Yes, Antropov is a career underachiever (except against a certain Atlantic Division team) and Morris is another B+ offensive defenseman on a team full of nothing but expensive B+ players, but even if they underperform and the Rangers miss the playoffs or get knocked out early, the franchise will have already trimmed some payroll for next season at the expense of a few replacable players. Plus they’ll have a new GM.

Wait, did I just spend two paragraphs vehemently defending the deadline desperation of Glen “I’m On Such a Hot Seat I Literally Sit On A Flaming Chair During Games” Sather? Crap… maybe I should now just go ahead and come up with some reasons why Chris Brown is an awesome dude.